17 - Moms Deserve More Than Brunch

This one's equal parts hug and honest conversation. We're not doing the highlight reel version of Mother's Day — the brunch, the flowers, the performance of gratitude. We're doing the real one.

Kat and Sam are getting into the stuff that actually lives underneath the holiday and the identity changes that creep in the moment you become somebody's mom.

This episode is for every mom who has ever hidden in a bathroom just to get five minutes of silence and called it self care.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Mother's Day is this Sunday, and every year the same thing happens. Someone asks you what you want, you say, nothing, I'm fine. And then you spend the day making sure everyone else is okay while quietly hoping somebody notices that you haven't had a hot meal or an uninterrupted thought since 2019. Here's what I know about the moms. I know they are holding more than anyone sees. Not just the schedules and the snack preferences and the doctor's appointments, but the emotional weight of the entire family, the worry, the guilt, the constant measurement of whether they're doing enough. And they're doing all of that while being told to be grateful, be patient, be present. And also, here's a macaroni necklace. We love our kids. That is not the conversation. The conversation is what happens to the woman underneath the mom? When did she stop getting to want things? And why does one Sunday in May with grocery store flowers feel like it's supposed to be enough? Today we're not doing the highlight real version of Mother's Day. We're doing the real one. Welcome back to Friends with Benefits. This is episode 17, and this one's for every mom who has ever hidden in a bathroom just to get five minutes of silence and called it self-care. So I just need to know that we are not alone in all of this. Please tell me. I am not the only one who hides in the laundry room or the bathroom for a minute of quiet. Have you ever done that?

SPEAKER_03 1:26

Absolutely. I'm like, you can do it almost daily. Yeah. I prefer the closet.

SPEAKER_04 1:31

Yeah. Choose the closet. I hide in the bathroom.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

Yeah, same. I will lock the door and just hang out. I can get two doors in between me and the toilet.

SPEAKER_03 1:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Sometimes if I'm in my bedroom.

SPEAKER_03 1:42

Well, if I'm in my closet, I can get three doors in me and the rest of the world. So that's why I like the closet. And it's like, you know, big. So I can like sit there, can lay on the ground and have two. It's really nice. Yeah. And I don't swoop in it. So pure germs.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Yes. No. That is very important. Have you ever hidden something from the kids in that in that safe space? Have you ever gone in there to like eat something just so you wouldn't have to share it? Okay.

SPEAKER_03 2:14

So I I was actually thinking about this when we were filming the wellness episode. I don't remember what we said that brought it to my mind. But do you remember when I used to have a snack drawer? So I used to have a snack drawer for my snacks. And the kids even knew like certain things that I would buy. And like when they would unload groceries, they knew like that's mom's and it's moving into her snack drawer. And like we will never see these marios. And I've noticed that like in the last few years, like I've I don't have a snack drawer anymore.

SPEAKER_02 2:56

Yeah. I guess I've kind of I've always had one.

SPEAKER_04 3:00

I don't really do it anymore either.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

I still have one.

SPEAKER_04 3:03

I do hide stuff like other stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I know nobody's born.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Yeah, behind the trash bags or like something like that. It's something like that. Something like that stuff. There is a candy bar I like to buy for myself. It's like Q or something. It's just this, I don't know, organic chocolate bar or something. It's healthy. It's healthy chocolate. And it's expensive chocolate too. It's like, I don't know, four or five bucks for a standard candy bar size. And um, I put that in the refrigerator in the top shelf, like in the door where the butter goes. But it is mine. Nobody, nobody gets nibbles. It's only mine. And they know that now.

unknown 3:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 3:40

Mine. Yeah, I I there are certain things that I will not share. And I think it's Kyle who has like broken me of that because there is nothing off limits to kind. Like, no, he sees that it's his. Yeah. Absolutely. So all of the jelly beans from Easter, he's eaten them all. He's like rated Archer, Archer and Ellis and taken all the jelly beans. And every time he does it, I'm like, you don't like jelly beans. And he's like, I know, but I just but you can nibble them.

SPEAKER_04 4:11

Yes. And Brian claims he doesn't like sweets. He doesn't really care for sweets much. However, they're probably the two biggest sweets eaters out of our houses. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 4:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:21

Now do they have a snack, Sash?

SPEAKER_03 4:23

No, they have to just eat everybody else's snack. Everybody else's. Because like, if I ask him going to the grocery store, is there something special you want? Like a snack? And he'll be like, oh no, it's just give me some yogurt and eggs so I can have plant eggs. Yeah, I'm trying to be healthy. And I'm like, are you sure? And so then Ella will be like, Oh, I want goldfish, or I want orange. This is something so mad about the goldfish. Yes. Yes. And then he'll eat all the goldfish. She gets so mad.

SPEAKER_01 4:53

She's gonna have a snack drawer soon.

SPEAKER_04 4:54

Soon is just one snacks for the gone. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:04

No, that's gone.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

It's been gone. She found that during spring cleaning. So so gone. She found yours and then she was like, better go check Ella's drawers. Basically. There was one day someone at work made homemade chocolate chip cookies, which is like my I mean, my weak point. Like, I just love homemade chocolate chip cookies. And she made some, and I brought home like three so that some of my house could have one. And there was a moment I stood there and I was like, I'm not gonna share these. And I literally went and stood like in the corner by the refrigerator with my back to everyone so that I could eat another one and not have to give anyone a bite. And then there were two left, and they got to share those. And I was like, I'm not telling anyone I have these right now.

SPEAKER_03 5:50

So Sam definitely has made me treats, but like other people have made me treats where I do have to have like the same kind of like, okay, so either I have to share with everyone, right? Or I'm gonna eat them all so that nobody even knows what they missed. Right. There is no in between.

SPEAKER_04 6:08

When I make puppies, I bring you guys at separate points of the day. Yeah, because they'll be gone. Yeah, so that everybody gets them. I have to bring a little bit at a time throughout the day to make sure everybody gets them.

SPEAKER_03 6:21

Because then we won't. It will be gone. It doesn't matter if we have two or thirty-six and eating them all.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

I don't think we talk enough about how loud motherhood actually is. When do you feel most overstimulated?

SPEAKER_04 6:41

Honestly, for me, it's like when I come home from work.

SPEAKER_01 6:44

Same.

SPEAKER_04 6:45

Yeah. When I come home from work and I'm just worn out in a long day. Brains tired. Everybody something immediately. When you walk.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Immediately.

SPEAKER_04 6:55

Or if there was another parent around, another parent next door. Like I walk in and immediately stuff needs to happen, be done.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Yeah. And not just humans, you have dogs and cats too. Like they want to eat and go outside.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

I don't have that because I work from home. And so for me, it is actually more when when well and Ella is homeschooled. So it's really just Archer. So if I have Archer come home at the same time that I have like a meeting or I'm going into a meeting, that is super, super overstimulating for me. Because he normally wants to have some sort of conversation with me for at least five to ten minutes when he first gets home. And it's and I think that that's actually what overstimulates me because the conversation is just like nothing, but yeah, random and it's like all over the place. It's very confusing to the point like he it's like he puts together like five to ten sentences that are like like half half thoughts. And so everything he that comes out of his mouth, it's you have to follow up. Yeah. It's like, wait, when did that happen? Who were you with? What did you do? Because he doesn't complete any of his sentences out on top of it in his mind and then say the water. However, we know where he gets out from. I mean, but still, it's frustrating too frustrating. Because for not following, and he's like, I just told you. And so he does that like right when he gets home from school. And especially when I'm going into a meeting, I'm like, oh my God, like because I'm trying to prep and like think about like what I'm gonna say in a meeting, and then I have this child, and now I have to like think about what he's saying. So I actually have learned I block out time on my calendar when he gets home. It's like 30 minutes, yeah. Just so that I don't get booked at the top. And I have about 15 minutes before he comes home and 15 minutes after so that I don't get overstimulated and smart. Pretty good. And then I've also learned to stagger, like the dogs get fed 30 minutes before he gets home. And then food happens like 15 minutes after he gets home, but I don't know if it's and ready to go. Yeah, like so nobody needs anything all at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

That's very cat-like.

SPEAKER_03 9:21

It is very much so.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

I've seen it.

SPEAKER_03 9:24

So I guess that is probably overstimulated to some people.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

No, honestly, I think that makes perfect sense. I'm like so smart.

SPEAKER_03 9:31

It's mixes up a little bit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

It's not all at once. Yeah. I've gotten to the point now where like my dogs are neurotic when I walk in the door because the boys have already like Drain comes home first, and he had they have their whole like greeting with him. And then Damian comes home like an hour or so later, and they have that. And then I come home. So they're already upstairs, and the dogs greet me and haven't seen me since this morning, and they're like sliding across the wood floors. So now I'm at the point where I just open the back door and they run right out and I shut it and lock it behind them. And I have to lock it because if I don't, then Kobe opens it. He can, it's like one of those lever doorknobs. So yeah, I put then out and then I can have a little bit of silence because I know the boys are upstairs, but then you know, then we have to like jump right in because it is time to feed the dogs and figure out who's going to wrestling and who's going to baseball and is there soccer, you know.

SPEAKER_03 10:20

If you gave the chore of feeding the dogs, I know you're going with this.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

Yes, I know 345. Correct. They as soon as you they won't do it until I tell them to do it.

SPEAKER_03 10:31

But if you if you had it as like do this as soon as you walk in the door, yes, then I would say it's probably more most likely to happen if it's something like that. Now, if it's like 30 minutes after you, nah, that won't happen. Right, right, right. Like as soon as you walk through that door, yeah, feed the dogs.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

You never know. I'm still gonna have to tell them. But what I should do is call them on my way home from work, get the dog fed and locked outside. Yeah. And everything's away. I can walk into a silent house for a moment, get my life together, and then welcome people back in.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

I like that. I think you should do that. You should totally try that. You should. And you don't have to cook, which is nice, right? But most of the time.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

No, ever. I I don't cook.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

That's really nice.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

Yeah. I used to try, but I could tell by the look on everyone's face that it didn't taste great. Like, I don't care. I really am not, I love good food, don't get me wrong. But if I am making the food, I don't care if it doesn't taste good. I'll just put salt on it. It does it's bad food. It just doesn't have like the flavors that that Derwin can pull out. A little bit more bland. Yeah, a little more a lot, you know, like the mashed potatoes and butter and salt. Those kind of, you know, vertically chicken.

SPEAKER_03 11:50

But it is a little bit more bland. It's always a big hit for everybody because I didn't cook it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

No, mine is not a big hit. Everyone's like, why didn't dad cook it? Well, I mean, it's really good though. I mean, his food is really good. So if if he's not in the mood for cooking, which by the way, he wasn't last night, I came home to three boxes of pizza. And I almost say no picture because I was like, I get pizza and love pizza.

unknown 12:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

I mean, if you'd sent me a picture, I probably would have been mad. You just brought me a piece. For me, there's always these, like, it's kind of like a web browser where there's all these open tabs in the background. So I might not be actively thinking right now about all the stuff that I still need to do. But what are some of those tabs you have open in the back of your mind right now? Like, what are you constantly running in the background so you don't forget something as a mom?

SPEAKER_04 12:41

Mine doesn't. My bird's shut off. Every time I sit down, especially, I'm like, okay, I'm sitting, love it. However, I need to get this and this and this and this and this done before I leave bed tonight. Like, what are some of the things? Like right now, I have an Excel spreadsheet that is just really irritating me. Really irritating me. Um, that I need to get a home. Is it for work or for home? It's for work.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 13:05

Yeah, it's one of the it's a project I took on. I I love spreadsheets. However, this one's just really pushy bed, but yeah. I need to finish cleaning the house up because I didn't do Saturday cleaning. Um, I need to get something started for dinner. I haven't done that yet. Have you been at the store?

SPEAKER_01 13:22

Is that another thing? There's that. And then you've got the whole list in your head, Ben. All the things that I need to get.

SPEAKER_04 13:28

You know, I do tend to overstock on groceries, so I'm like constantly redoing grocery lists in my brain as well. Yeah. Taking out what is not necessary and what we actually need a lot, which I'll get eaten.

SPEAKER_03 13:39

Also generally makes you get groceries later than you expect. Yeah. Which disrupts her plans for dinner. Yeah. By the way, I have ADHD. Yes. Squirrel is it's a snow. See, my everything for me follows a schedule. Of course it does.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

Well, because like this and on Monday, I mean you don't have to keep it open all the time, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 14:08

Well, yes and no. Okay. But because I have it schedule, like that that tells me what tabs need to be opened. Okay. Because on Monday we have so well, let's go like for a Tuesday. So Tuesday morning, we have therapy for and then we have like school and work. Then we go into and I have like certain meetings that are always on Tuesdays. So that's also part of it. So that's part of it. Then we have wrestling now on Tuesdays, which we didn't have before. So that means that I have to cook dinner earlier because we have wrestling. Oh my god. So Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, she goes to the gym. So on top of like having to have dinner ready so that we can go to wrestling, and now she's going to the gym. So now she has to have all her gym stuff ready. So I have to make sure she's got that. And then generally also I have to have something for Archer for foster wrestling. Yeah. Because he's not going to get home in a reasonable amount of time. So like that literally takes me. And then like outside of the dogs and things like that, that have to do too. So that takes me from 8 a.m. when therapy starts to literally 8 p.m. when we get out. One day. That's one day. So like that's why everything is on schedule. Because if I don't do it that way, I I don't think I'll get anything done.

SPEAKER_04 15:34

Right, right.

SPEAKER_03 15:35

Because it's all over the place. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:37

I literally don't have that time in the day to contribute to any of those.

SPEAKER_03 15:42

I mean, right now, Coda is taking the majority of your time. So it is wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

I think it kind of brings me to my next point, though, because even with all of that, all the tabs you just went through and the schedules and the routines and all of that, even with everything we do to keep things running, we still feel like we're not doing enough as moms. So what's something you felt guilty about as a mom? Like something you haven't been able to stick to or, you know, it hasn't gone the way you you wanted it to. That maybe if a friend, if you told a friend what you had done or not done, or forgotten, they would say, girl, it's not that big a deal. Like what is some of that pressure you're putting on yourself, you know, where you're still feeling not good enough as a mom?

SPEAKER_04 16:30

I'm trying to think of something that I've missed recently. I miss something every day. Honestly. Sometimes I don't get like Archer is over here for one week and at my house for one week. And so he comes over on Saturday to do his chores at my house on Saturday during your week, bring his laundry out. But sometimes he forgets. And so out of sight of the mind, yeah, for everybody. I don't think to grab his laundry basket out of the room. And then he comes back over for the week with me. And he's like, Mom, I don't like all the clothes I like to wear are dirty. And so, like, that's a continuous idea. That's a big one. Me like doing that in the top of my brain, it would help me remember to grab it, but it doesn't. And then cooking dinner for me is a struggle.

SPEAKER_05 17:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:11

I never know what time I'm gonna get home. The the commute that I'm making right now, it changes daily. Yeah. Sometimes it'll take me 35 minutes, sometimes it'll take me over two hours.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

Depending on if there's an accident or something. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:22

And so like I don't always get dinner made, and then I go horrible that everybody comes home and there's no dinner. Yeah. But by the time, especially on those longer commute days, you know, I don't want to make dinner at eight o'clock at night. No. Yeah. I should already have eaten by that time. And so like I'm constantly beating myself up for that. So I'm like, I could have, you know, cut something to where the camp home will turn it on in the oven, or I could have made a crock pot meal, or I could have talked to you.

SPEAKER_05 17:48

And I yeah, it's a constant struggle for me too.

SPEAKER_03 17:52

Archer has to eat before wrestling because if he doesn't eat before wrestling, he won't make it through practice. Yeah. Ella can't eat before wrestling because if she eats before wrestling, then she gets sick. I think it's probably because she does double every day.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

That's a lot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:05

Well, in the gym in the gym. So she's essentially like working out for like fun or straight. She's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 18:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:12

Now, me, I could I could go either way. I could eat before practice or after, but I prefer to eat with Kyle than without him. And then of course, Kyle gets home much later than everybody. So that's when he would eat. So I actually discovered that our ovens, not only do they have a delay start, it also has a time. Like you can set it, like I can cook it for an hour and a half or an hour and 15 minutes. So it doesn't matter if I put it in at 40 and then the oven turns on at six and cooks it for an hour if I don't actually make it home. And it cuts it at the end of the timer. It turns it off. That's brilliant. You're gonna have to show me how to do that. Yeah, I wonder if you haven't done that. Yeah, it's amazing. I feel like I've had a like Wi-Fi connect to control in that way, but I didn't know. Yeah. So I have been, well, I was doing dinners where like I would do the delay start. Yeah. And then there was a couple nights, especially now that he got moted, where he didn't get home at 8 15. And then like the food was a little bit dry. And I was like, dang it. Because I think that's probably what I feel guilty about is when I do cook something and it's not good.

SPEAKER_01 19:27

Yeah. That is like do they care or do you care? Like, will they say it's not good to you or not? No, I well, Archer will.

SPEAKER_03 19:38

Yeah, and he does not care. And he's brutally honest about just about everything. But you still put a lot of weight on yourself. Yeah, because like it's food. Yeah, you want it to say something. And so there was a few times that that happened. And so then I stopped doing it, and then we weren't having dinner until 9 o'clock at night. And then I discovered this timer trick. That's the what kind of oven is it? Samsung. Well, I'll show you.

SPEAKER_02 20:07

I'll show you.

SPEAKER_04 20:08

That's helpful. I probably need you to put it in for me though, because like I'll be at work.

SPEAKER_03 20:13

Oh, yeah, yeah. I could do that. If you have it ready in the fridge, I can just put it in and like time it. That'd be perfect. I'll add it to the list. Look at us solving problems.

SPEAKER_01 20:23

I love it. New tab for Tuesday. I think another part of motherhood is how much you change over time and no one really prepares you for that. I wonder, like, if you think back on the different versions of yourself, you know, going back, do you still feel like yourself now? Are you a completely different version of yourself now than you ever have been? Is it is it a mix of different past lives? I am completely different. Yeah. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 20:57

I am too. Yeah. I was, I was when I was reading through the today's script. I was like thinking, I'm like, oh my gosh, like all the different things that have changed me in big ways. Cause not just motherhood. Yeah. But motherhood alone is it's a big contributor. It is. And it and it is wild, but like a lot has changed. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:20

In very, very good ways. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:23

I know sometimes I I think I don't even recognize myself anymore, you know, as as just a person. That I'm not really sure how to s put that into words right now, but that there's just I don't even know. Like if someone asks, like, what are your hobbies? Like, I don't even know how to answer that question. Well, I mean, think about it.

SPEAKER_03 21:44

When when somebody does ask us, like, tell me about yourself. Right. What is one of the first things that you say? I'm a mom, I'm a mom, I have two boys. Yep. And like that's a pretty typical, I would say, mm hmm, how we respond. Like that is our identity. It becomes our identity. And so that's part of, I think, why we struggle with hobbies or self-care or any of those things, because that isn't even part of our identity anymore. Because like we are not ourselves without these children who are also attached to us.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

And we talked before about how when I was in your phone, I was Debian's mom. Like we don't even know other moms sometimes as anything more than someone's mom. What parts of you feel stronger since becoming a mom? I'm more patient for sure.

SPEAKER_04 22:33

I've definitely learned patience. I did not have a lot. I was a young mom with my and I did not have a whole lot of patience. I had no idea what I was doing. And I was like still learning a lot of patience, a lot more than I was capable of.

SPEAKER_01 22:50

Things that used to be a big deal, just you realize too, it's just not a big deal. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:56

I used to actually have a little bit of a temper. When like when I was married to Dan, I had I had a little bit of a temper. And I would I could fly off the handle. And it's like weird to think like now today.

SPEAKER_02 23:11

Like when was last time I flew off the handle?

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Was part of that your environment?

SPEAKER_03 23:18

Or like that is who you were then? It's definitely like a fiery personality. My my mom, what was the word my mom used to use? Hutzpah? Hutzpah. Like spunk, I guess, especially, or essentially is the word she used to say that like that's what I had. I don't think I have very much hutzpah any more. I don't know. And that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

I'm not because you're you've something you secretly miss about your pre-kid life that you might not say out loud. Doing things alone. Yes. I mean for me, silence. Yeah. Like I've gone over to people's houses who don't have kids, and immediately I notice how quiet their house is. Immediately. Like I can hear my own thoughts. Yeah. I miss that.

SPEAKER_03 24:10

Yeah. I actually don't miss the I don't miss it. Yeah. But I think that that has more to do with losing garlands. Perhaps that's like with the grief piece. That was one of the first things I noticed was how this was. So that doesn't bring me a lot of comfort, actually. Because then you you hear some of the stuff that's going on. But like doing things alone. Like even today, I went to the grocery store. I myself and I was really happy to go to the grocery store by myself. And I was really sad because I was on a time crunch.

SPEAKER_04 24:46

But you made it happen. I did.

SPEAKER_03 24:50

I did. I did. But it was like when it was over because somebody did call me while I was at the grocery store and I did not answer. Yeah. I was like, nope, I'm not answering because this is me. I'm I am registered shopping and I'm living it. Although I actually do I actually do like to grocery shop. Yeah. You know this. I do. I I think grocery stores are pretty fast. I used to work at a grocery store. Yeah, yeah. So there are cool things to go. It's not just the things, even how they're set up. There's a science behind it. It's eating. Yeah. And more people should know about this. But give us an example. So anytime you have like a like a Kroger Plus card, yeah. You when you buy certain things together, like that is all tracked for the reasons people think, but like tracked because it shows your buying patterns. And so it helps them map out the store because they know like if you're buying oil and vinegar, now there's two different ways this could go. Either they'll put it together because convenience. Yeah. Because convenience is big. Right. But some stores will put them to the part. So you see passing by more products. So it depends on like what they're trying to go for. But like that alone. It's so cool. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:11

She literally analyzes grocery stores when we got our new one. Oh my god. She was like breaking down everything. Yeah. That's why it's laid out the way it is and the strategy behind it.

SPEAKER_03 26:23

Yeah, she probably knows more about like grocery stores and nothing than like a normal person. And like, ask me about Cube Vision.

SPEAKER_01 26:33

I used to work at Michael's, the arts and crafts store when I was in college. And we used to have to change our layouts all the time. Like the end caps would change, or like where we had the, I don't know, colored pencils and drawing materials would sometimes switch shelves. And the whole idea behind that was that when people came in, they they tend to be creatures of habit and they go to the same place. But if you move the place, then same idea, you see more products on your way to the other places. So yeah, it is fascinating.

SPEAKER_03 27:01

I would say program does not tend to do it that way because one of their big top priorities for customers is convenience.

SPEAKER_01 27:08

If you had a full day completely alone, no responsibilities, like you don't have to make dinner, nothing. There is nothing expected of you. What would be like your dream? What would you fill it with?

SPEAKER_05 27:22

You're not my answer.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

Safely. Yeah. Love sleeping. Especially when there's no one waiting on you.

SPEAKER_04 27:33

Like so that I can sleep as I can tell as I'm as I want without an alarm or anything. Yeah. Wake up whenever I want. And if I want to go do something, cool. I can do it. If not, I can go back to bed and take another nap. That is where what you want.

SPEAKER_03 27:50

Yeah. See, I I think you wouldn't, I don't know what I would do. I I have a really hard time relaxing. You go start crazy. I do. You have a pool and the weather's getting nice. Would you go there? So I would, I would probably probably maybe sit in the pool. But like even then, I'm like, I would probably want the kids with me. And I wouldn't necessarily want to be alone doing that. I like to read though. And so that's that is one thing that I would do by myself is read. We've got a good series that we're reading right now, but I really need to pick it back up. Yeah. But um yeah, I I don't know. I am not good at relaxing. Yeah, I'm not. In fact, not read not relaxing is more relaxing than relaxing. See, I can't just like sit on the couch and watch TV all day.

SPEAKER_04 28:38

I can't do that because then I'll get restless. And so if there's nothing to do or to do, I'll pace the house. However, if I'm like, there's nothing for me to do right now that I want to do that needs to be done, I will immediately lay down in bed. Yeah, it's just so cozy. I like my if it's outside of like laying down in bed, yeah. I will pace.

SPEAKER_01 29:01

Yeah, I would rather be in my bed than laying on the couch too. Another thing that changes over time is friendships that changes. I mean, not just with motherhood, but but with age too. You know, friendships change over time. Have you lost any friendships since becoming a mom?

SPEAKER_04 29:17

I have lost several. And some of them, you know, kind of sink, like they sound. However, I've learned as I've gotten older that the friends that you keep tend to be ones that like you have mutual you help each other, you benefit each other, you help each other grow. And if you have a friendship that is holding you back or bringing you down in some way, or that's just not healthy in some version, those people tend to get in the past as you progress through life. And so a lot of the friends like I've, you know, similar goals in mind as I do, or similar levels of ambition or priorities in there. Yeah. So that's drastically changed for me.

SPEAKER_03 30:04

I would say I am probably less successful at keeping long-term friendships than you are. Like you're you're pretty good at that. I mean, you have some that you've lost over the years, but like you're better with long-term. And I think for me, my the difficulty I have is being a mom is number one priority for me. And so, like, my mom friends have to understand that I might drop off the face of the earth for a month or a week or a day or an hour or whatever because I'm busy with my kids and that's my priority. It doesn't mean that I don't love my friends or that a good friend or anything like that. It's just they aren't my number one top priority.

SPEAKER_05 30:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:47

And I have had friends like fall off because of that. And so I have found that the best friends are the ones that like you can like pick up. Yeah. When was last time we talked? Up until what, three days ago? It's been like a week and a half at least. Yeah. Life's busy. Yeah. And you're probably one of my closest friends outside of Sam, who lives next to you. Yeah.

unknown 31:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:12

But like that's so important to have friends that I think the majority of the circle that I keep currently, it works that way as well. They we go through things in life while we're busy, we have other priorities, and we're so we don't have time. Yeah. However, whenever we pick up, it's like then time is missed.

SPEAKER_03 31:31

You know, any friend that I've ever had that's been like, Oh, I really wish I could see you more. I can't stand that. Yes, I cannot say. I mean, like, I do wish I could see you more. Yeah. Like, I'm thinking like Annalisa, like that one. I'm like, yes, I wish I could see you more. You have a bajillion children and you're always going somewhere. Like, where are you going? She's crazy. That one I'm okay with. But like, if you have one kid, oh I wish that I could like that feels guilty. Yeah. To me. Yeah. And I'm like, don't guilt trick me because you have less going on in your life and and I can't like fit you into my schedule. Like, that's not fair. Whereas, like at least I'm like, if you can fit me in one time this year, I feel pretty good with myself. She's always gonna move. She yeah, I don't know if she does it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

It it's hard to make new friends too at this age of life, you know. Like, how do you even make new friends?

SPEAKER_03 32:24

Well, we're we are also, I mean, all of us are at that age where like our kids are getting older. Yeah. And so, like the mommy and me stuff, or like taking your kid to the park, or like that is becoming like less and less and less. And so our opportunity to like meet other moms is becoming less and less and less.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

And it's still predominantly situated around our kids, yeah. The wrestling moms or the which the wrestling moms are pretty cool. They're badass. Yeah, they are, but you're sitting in you know, day-long tournaments and hours-long practices. So it does give you a chance to like really know someone else. I mean, if you go, I don't like really, really get to know people over yeah, nine hours. It's it's a long time. It's a long time, you know. And like other people I know from outside of this neighborhood is like the baseball moms and the soccer moms. And I mean, it really is kid dependent right now. I don't know a lot of other people, even we all met because of kids.

SPEAKER_03 33:32

Where work. I mean, that's the only place we would go. Where would you meet somebody if it wasn't I don't know at the bar?

SPEAKER_01 33:38

But I'm not gonna hang out with those people.

SPEAKER_03 33:40

No, that's what I'm getting at. Like, where are we gonna meet somebody? Yeah outside of work and our children. Yeah, we got nothing. Although I I I did join and you joined yoga and I'm joining GG.

SPEAKER_01 33:53

Yeah, but people don't really talk there. You know, you come in and you're supposed to be quiet and you finish and you're quiet. So I don't ever talk to you.

SPEAKER_03 34:01

That's like before class or after class.

SPEAKER_01 34:04

Well, you probably arrive places early. I arrive when it's like time to go. It's go time. No, I just imagine that's part of the schedule. Have is there any phase of motherhood that you look back on and you really haven't enjoyed that phase as much as others? I hated pregnancy. I don't know if that's still part of the phase of motherhood, but it was not like various.

SPEAKER_04 34:29

It is.

SPEAKER_01 34:30

I think that counts. Yeah, I don't think so. But you liked it, right? Didn't you like being pregnant?

SPEAKER_04 34:34

I was pretty sick with both pregnancies with the gestational.

SPEAKER_01 34:37

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 34:38

You know, and I had a few complications with my oldest. But otherwise, I did enjoy it.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

Yeah. And the birth was easy.

SPEAKER_04 34:45

So, like that's the birth was very complicated.

SPEAKER_01 34:48

Yes, so easy. It was very you and baby was hard for me too, because it was just so much. I'm not a I'm not the touchy-filly, like what's that love language? The touch physical touch. Yeah, it's not mine at all. They it's Sabian's all day, every day, but um so the baby when you have you're like carrying them all the time and breastfeeding them, and I don't know, it was a lot.

SPEAKER_04 35:13

See, it was different for me with both of them. When I had Andrew, I didn't know what I was doing. I was completely on my own. I didn't have help, you know, and his dad and I had split up when he was just maybe a month old. Uh and so I was completely on my own. And so that was really, really hard for me. And I had a touch of that's part of him as well. Yeah. So it was a difficult time. However, I've truly loved watching the changes through every stage. Yeah. Yeah. They're so different from Snaesha State. Some come in with their own personality. Yeah. You know, sometimes you realize that they got a little bit of your personality and part of it that you didn't want them to get, but I still enjoy it.

SPEAKER_03 35:56

I would say, so I was very sick during my pregnancy, but mostly with Ella. I was with Arlen too. But with Ella, like Ella was like my miracle baby. And so even though I was like so, so, so sick, it was like, but I'm pregnant. This is amazing. And then I poke. Um like all day, every day. But that probably is pretty much similar with Arlen. And then I loved, I love the touchy feeling. Yeah. And I loved like watching the stages, but what I did not love is Archer's about to come up on it. It's that that age, and I I want to say it's somewhere between fourth and sixth grade. I seem to notice, even with other people's kids. And to me, I'm pretty sure it's just like hormone changes when they have, you know, have adult hormones running through their bodies, but they don't know what to do with it. Yeah, they don't know what's wrong with them. Like I remember when Ella like started her period, and I remember like she would cry and you'd be like, What's wrong? And she's I don't know. Yeah. And that that kind of became a thing was like, I don't know is an acceptable answer because you have so many like things coursing through your body, like you really don't know, but like you are definitely sad and you feel like and I didn't like that stage. Yeah. So now that she's like a little bit older and at least can like identify like I'm PMSing, that's what's wrong with me. I'm I can I can do that.

SPEAKER_02 37:30

But I don't know, that was really hard. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:36

Before we close this episode, I just want to ask one more thing. If if you really did have Mother's Day all to yourself this year to decide, I know sometimes we like it to be decided for us, but what would what would you want this year for Mother's Day? What would be ideal for you?

SPEAKER_05 37:58

I don't know. I think no expectations for the entirety of the day from mornings and nights.

SPEAKER_04 38:05

Just no expectations, but also like I want to be with my family that day as well.

SPEAKER_05 38:11

Yeah, because I don't know, I get sad and like the melt. Yeah. So I'm part of why you live right next door. Yeah. You're down for that.

SPEAKER_03 38:21

Um, we go to Disney basically right before Mother's Day.

SPEAKER_02 38:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:27

And I I was actually thinking about that today. It's like, oh that's kind of like my Mother's Day present. And I was like, that's a that's a good one. It is. It's a really good one. It is. Will you do a special dinner or anything? I I mean, yeah. When Kyle and I, when we travel by ourselves, not that we don't do big with the kids, but obviously like it's a different experience. But when we travel by ourselves, we we tend to eat very well. Yeah, pictures of it. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 38:57

What? It looks delicious.

SPEAKER_03 39:01

It's so good. So good. That's that's probably, but I would I would say at least for me, whatever I do on Mother's Day, it better involve food. I really like to eat. I like to eat and I like to have a good cocktail. Yeah. Blackberry. Yes. Ooh. That sounds amazing. Yeah. If she's a blackberry, she orders it. Yeah, if it's if it's got blackberry in it, I'm I'm getting it.

SPEAKER_01 39:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:26

I don't know what it is, but I'm getting it. I had a blackberry mark margarita. Where did I have it recently?

SPEAKER_02 39:34

Chili's. Is that chilies? It was so good. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. It was so good.

unknown 39:40

Good.

SPEAKER_02 39:40

Blackberry margarita. Why? Okay, great.

SPEAKER_01 39:46

Here's what I want every mom to hear before this Sunday. Not just the moms with the clean houses and the coordinated family photos, but the ones who are tired in a way sleep doesn't fix. The step moms who love kids that don't always know how to love them back yet. The moms who are doing this without a partner, without a village, without anyone asking how they're doing. The moms who are holding grief and joy at the same time and somehow still showing up. You are not failing because you hid in the bathroom. You are not failing because you cried in the car. You are not failing because you don't have it figured out. You are doing something incredibly hard and you are doing it with more love than you give yourself credit for. So this Sunday, let somebody take something off your plate. Ask for what you actually want. And if the day doesn't look like what you needed, know that we see you. That is what this show is. Happy Mother's Day. Okay, I'm going to completely ruin the moment right now because I just want to point out that next week we are handing the mic to the kids, and I cannot wait. Next week is Kids Say the Darnest Things. And I don't know if I'm more excited or terrified about how that's going to go. Probably both, but whichever way it goes, I think it'll be fun. So see you then.