21 - The Myth of the Spoon Fed Husband

A few episodes back Kat revealed that she handles the entire family calendar — coordinating directly with Sam, sending Kyle the invites, and keeping the whole operation running. The internet had a lot to say about it. So in this episode Kristina and Kat brought Kyle in to speak for himself.

This is a conversation about how a blended family actually functions when everyone stops fighting over who should be doing what and just lets the right people do what they're good at. Kyle talks about what it's really like to come home from a day of being in charge and hand the logistics over completely, where the security comes from to trust a system that most people would find uncomfortable, and what he'd say to a guy who thinks there's no way he could step back like that.

If your household keeps turning into a negotiation over who handles what, or if you've ever wondered what it actually takes to make a blended family run without constant friction, this one is worth a listen.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

We put out a couple segments recently about how Kat handles scheduling for this entire village and the internet has some feelings about it. A lot of feelings. Apparently, the idea that moms manage the calendar and the dads just show up where they are supposed to be is a controversial one. So we called Kyle. Because if people are going to have opinions about how this family operates, the least we can do is let the man speak for himself. Kyle, the people have questions.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Sure.

SPEAKER_04 0:26

Cat. When the internet saw that you handle the schedules directly with Sam and leave Kyle out of the middle of the calendar invites, they prayed you are enabling a helpless man. What is the internet missing about how this compound actually runs?

SPEAKER_02 0:39

Well, I mean, I think the the biggest thing is efficiency. Efficiency is at like the top of everything that we do. And who could possibly be more efficient with the kids' schedule than the person who is literally here all the time?

SPEAKER_04 0:55

Taking them, picking them up.

SPEAKER_02 0:57

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 0:58

Paying the fees, everything.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Yes. But like I'm I'm here. I work from home. The school is in our backyard. Literally. Literally. So why would somebody who works in Hopkinsville or somebody who's working 12 hours a day be the one in charge of schedules?

SPEAKER_04 1:17

Makes no sense. No, it doesn't. When you hear those comments, what do you think?

SPEAKER_01 1:28

But I mean everyone has like on a basketball team, everyone has a position. I mean you play your position, not everyone's supposed to be a point guard.

SPEAKER_04 1:37

Yeah, yeah. We don't all do everything that's less efficient than having people be really good at certain things. Yeah. Pat, is there ever a moment where you wish he would take something off your plate? Things that that you just kind of innately do all the time? Or do you like it this way?

SPEAKER_02 1:56

I mean, I like it this way.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

I think you might be in charge.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

I like being in charge. I think everybody knows that. You have a little OCD about certain things. Um, as he discovered when we did cleaning yesterday. So he's trying to be helpful. He was trying to be really helpful. He's like, can we not do it in that order? And he is like, what? But at the end of the day, I I do think that there would be if I like it when you take over cooking. Oh but I can't like if I never had a cook again, I'd be really happy. Um, or only had to cook what I want to, yeah. Or like any of the gross things. Like trash. Which I don't have to do very often.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

But like when I think the kids' chores kind of cover some of the things which you do too.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

I mean, I give the chores to the kids that I don't want. But every now and then I have to take out the trash or like clean the cat litter box. And I mean that'd be cool to take that over too.

SPEAKER_00 2:52

I mean, I try to give it like the least amount of like uh like issues for you too. That's why like a self-clean litter box.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

We do, we do.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

He does make sure.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

I'll just scoop the poop. There's an easier way to do this.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

Smart. Yeah, smart man. See, he he does buy me fancy check. So that it hopefully makes my life.

SPEAKER_04 3:19

Do you do you want to be any more involved in the logistics or does it not bother you?

SPEAKER_01 3:25

I I don't think it bothers me. I think it bothers her more when you're not in charge. So logistically, I just like to me, I'm okay with just showing up when I need to be there. I'm like here. Because I think it just the planning for you is where you want to know exactly, like I did this. Because you can't trust anyone else as far as like, all right, did they book this, did they do this? And all that like why didn't we imagine I think so? I'm the person that like time management though. So yeah, you're always I'm always on time, if not early. And like that's I've always been mean. It's like 15 minutes before your like reservation or 15 minutes before, like that's that's on time. Anything after that is already late. So did you pick that up in the military or have you always been this way? I think probably before the military because my dad was military, so like if you're just raised that way, uh-huh, you're always there in the city. To be early. His OCD was always there. So when I went into the military, it was just easy, easy for me because I'm like, oh, this is just a normal day to life. And then once you get out of the military, and like you meet someone that was never military, it doesn't eventually like it drives that's the one thing my pet peeve that drives me crazy about you. It's like you're just not a lot about it. Like, it's fine. I'm like, no, like it's a good thing.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Ella had you know a one-on-one for wrestling, and we have to be there by 12:30. And it's what 15, 15 minutes away to our nights. So we we have to leave at no later than 12:15. And at 11:55, he was like, When are we leaving? And I said around 12. And he's like, It's 12 right now. And I'm like looking at the clock, I'm like, It's 12. It is not 12, it is 11:55. Five minutes matter. And I was like, We will leave in 10 minutes. And we left, I think, in 15 minutes, and he we're gonna be late, and we were 10 minutes early. So wow, but you know, yes.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

That was driving him.

SPEAKER_02 5:24

It would have been fine. Would have been fine if we showed up at 12.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

But like uh, like uh, I said something to you, and then your daughter comes up and she's like not even dressed.

SPEAKER_04 5:35

She's a sports. My daughter, yes.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

She's like, Why is mom messaging me? And I'm like, You have like you have one-on-one today, and she's like, I don't even want to go. And I'm like, Is it because you need like 30 seconds to get ready? And like, so she came upstairs, she did it pretty quick. She was like, say it took about like three or four minutes. And she came back upstairs, like, oh meet you, but she was like fussy, she was like, I don't even want to go. Yeah, when she gets there, like halfway into like her session, she's like, I never need to skip another second. You can't win. Yeah, there's no winning.

SPEAKER_03 6:13

But all that to say, he told me it was noon and it was not noon, it was 1155. And that matters. And you do that to me a lot. It's eight o'clock, 7:30.

SPEAKER_04 6:27

But if you're if you're notoriously late, that might be the point.

SPEAKER_02 6:32

I am not notoriously late. I am notoriously late in his eyes. I show up on Twitch.

SPEAKER_01 6:37

Notoriously. When we first started dating, like, even her interview for the job when we worked together, that was one of her things. So, like, what's your downfall? And she's like, I'll never be on time.

SPEAKER_03 6:46

I was never being on time.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

I was like, you know, dumbfounded. I was like, I can't believe anyone hired you.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

I'm really good at what I do.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

It's like we would date when we were dating, like we go to like I go to work and I'd leave. And I like I would already have done something that you know, and I was already having a cigarette work. Uh-huh. And I'd be like smoking a cigarette with one of the guys, and we already like accomplished something, and she was like just pulling up from like this motherfucker.

SPEAKER_02 7:15

It was fine.

SPEAKER_01 7:16

I used to figure out too like, oh look, must be nice to come in late.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

As long as I was in the parking lot by my scheduled time accounts. I'm salary.

SPEAKER_04 7:28

Is there anything Kyle handles completely that maybe people wouldn't expect? Like, what's his lane in this whole operation?

SPEAKER_02 7:36

I would say anything to do with the cars and truly money. I do not, I don't have to handle anything with money anymore. He he says that it's because I'm bad at it. I'm not bad at it. I was always the money person, but I I don't want to. I don't want to do it. I do not want to be in charge of budgets and trying to figure out like where are we gonna pay for something? Like it's just not my thing. Yeah, I don't want to do it anymore. Do you enjoy doing that?

SPEAKER_01 8:02

I do. I think like everyone in my past, like even with Sam, like I was very frugal with money.

SPEAKER_05 8:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

Um, and everyone else's I wouldn't say I wouldn't say the opposite is just like you're nonchalant about it, like even Sam, just like oh to find the mic.

SPEAKER_02 8:19

Just money, we'll make more.

SPEAKER_01 8:20

What?

SPEAKER_02 8:21

Like, no, like I mean, you make money to spend it.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_03 8:24

Exactly. You say yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:27

Do you do spreadsheets? Do you like to have like a budget and know kind of where every dollar is going, or are you a little more general?

SPEAKER_01 8:34

Like, not as as much too, but money going into like 401k, yeah, so much going into like other investments. That's why like I invest in like crypto, like in stocks and bonds, and then also that whole like pay yourself first. Yeah. So like and then I will say I think I'm a little bit looser when we go like on vacations, where like super tight.

SPEAKER_04 8:53

Anything else, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:55

To me, like when we're not doing that is like why we can do that when we get competitions, is because like in super I try to be super frugal and and and not spend.

SPEAKER_04 9:06

Yeah, and then you have it for the special times.

SPEAKER_02 9:08

I do think I crack him up a little bit because there are certain things that I am very frugal about, and like a big expense for most families is their food expense. Yeah. And so like we went to Sam's Club the other day and like we just got a Sam's Club card, and you know, we were excited. So we're walking through, and I was like literally like, oh, I could buy this here because it's cheaper, but that's not cheaper here. So I'm gonna buy that at all these or I'm gonna buy that's a he'll go to like five separate stores to get the best price on everything.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

It drives me bananas and it's I like rate shop too, like insurances too, after like so long. Oh, yeah, with auto policies and openly insurance, like I'll flip-flop back and forth to get a better rate, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:53

Yeah, I don't have to deal with any of that. That's nice, yeah. Anything that's like a big purchase, I I generally don't have to involve it. And I'm good with that. Yeah. Although there are times where I'm like, can you stop with the big purchases and a start? I have three cars.

SPEAKER_04 10:12

But he sells cars, so he gets a good price. I guess so. He basically basically saving money. It's like girl man, girl family's life. We just kind of let that happen. You're comfortable with that. That requires a specific kind of security too. So so where did that come? How did you get so comfortable with the the wife and the ex-wife handling a lot of that coordination?

SPEAKER_01 10:34

Um, I guess just because I don't have anything to hide. I'm probably one of like the only talk to a lot of like couples or like men or like you can have my phone if you want to. Or some, I don't know. Some people seem like they keep it.

SPEAKER_04 10:49

I wouldn't say like there's no jealousy, yeah. Like jealousy, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Like some people would like, you know, I'm sure, like, you know, oh, I'll go shopping or I have a clothes car and my husband doesn't know about her. Like uh husband, oh uh I gamble, yeah. Like I make online betting. I mean, like she has no idea I just blew $500 on like the Lakers guy. Or I'm like, I don't figure, I don't know. We're opening up, yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I think I'm more to be honest than most people want me to be.

SPEAKER_04 11:17

How cat, how do you make sure Kyle is not caught off guard when you and Sam are kind of handling all the logistics of everything? How at what point do you start looping in the rest of the family?

SPEAKER_02 11:28

So with Kyle, I have to tell him many, many, many, many times. Generally, I'll tell him like once the plan is in place and it's like it's a done deal, like I'll let him know. And then like maybe a couple days later, I'll say something again and it's always the same conversation. Oh, you never told me that. And then I'll tell him again. It's like I'm hoping, and then it's you never told me that. Um, because I do sometimes I'll tell him things. Well, he works a lot. And so if I catch him while he's at work, he is probably maybe 50% paying more attention. I can understand that. Yeah. And so I like some stuff might stick and some stuff doesn't. And so I have to like make sure I keep saying it, otherwise it's stick.

SPEAKER_04 12:13

Um is it different if you call him while he's at work versus sending him a text at work? No, no, no, it gets no lost either way.

SPEAKER_02 12:21

I actually think I think texting is probably worse because you'll like look at it and then you'll like put your phone down, like, oh, she doesn't need me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

And it's not like it's not an important thing.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Moves on with his life. Yeah. Um, and then I normally have to tell him like the day before, like, hey, especially if it's like a day off, like a Sunday. Hey, you're not golfing tomorrow, right? Because we have plans. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Uh I totally wasn't planning on golfing tomorrow. When do we have to be there? Can I golf before, maybe? Yeah. Yeah. So that's definitely happened where he didn't make plans to golf because he forgot that there was a wrestling tournament. And then he managed to wait. Do you guys not have a family calendar? We don't. And you don't have a family calendar? It's me. I can't believe that. I know. It all lives in your head. It's all fair.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

Well, yeah, like I mean, like if you're saying like family calendar, you like you do like plan a calendar on the on the board, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:19

And do how everyone see it and look at it, or just no, it's just me.

SPEAKER_02 13:22

It's my yeah, and but that's how I keep track of everything. Yes, I keep track of everybody else.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

Do you guys have like an actual calendar, like a shared calendar? Yes, the phones?

SPEAKER_04 13:31

And even Draven has access to it now. Yes, yes, it has to be on the calendar. It doesn't exist if it's not on the calendar. You don't you're not going golfing today because it wasn't on the calendar. This was on the calendar, so it's yeah, uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 13:45

Yeah, yeah. I can't imagine.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

I I don't think we have like an actual calendar like that where it's like planned, it's actually when we vacation.

SPEAKER_04 13:54

Yes, that's actually probably the time we don't use a calendar.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Yeah, because we're a little more we try to like without it, and like it just to me it seems more chaotic. Yeah, like when we're like, oh, we'll just do it on a whim, and then we're like, holy Jesus, like why is like this, like why is Magic Kingdom crazier? Why is this? Yeah, well, you guys pack a lot and strategically done this, yeah, you could do it. Yeah, but you you do like that. I think that's like one thing you love to do is plan as much as possible where it's at least the trips because it's like because everything's already planning here in an official. It's like that is like on a whim. Like we know like basic things like oh, I want to wrestle Wednesday, but for most part.

SPEAKER_02 14:34

I love how he says that. We it's not it's not a win. It's uh yeah, come on over on a Tuesday, four o'clock, can you tell me how much of a win those two people?

SPEAKER_04 14:49

Has anyone ever given you guys a hard time about how these two households run? Or do they I mean everybody keep that to themselves?

SPEAKER_02 14:57

No, I mean I would say a lot of people keep it to themselves, or it's a very blanketed comment, and you know, like, well, that's really weird, or I could never be weird, but but it's always like I'm happy for you, like I wish I could.

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Yeah, that's like I wish I could with my or like you know, I mean that's probably the biggest one we see.

SPEAKER_04 15:17

I've seen that in the comments too.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

There's I can never a couple people, I would never talk to my narcissistic husband, never talk to my psycho ex-wife, you know.

SPEAKER_04 15:27

Well, sometimes it's not it's not a healthy relationship, but yeah, sure sometimes it can be, and people just don't even consider it because society makes it seem like such a weird thing.

SPEAKER_02 15:39

Oh, absolutely. Well, I mean, the video that we're even like talking about, it's so funny because everybody took it like me, the stepmom, isn't getting the information from the school because like dad is incompetent. But like that wasn't my video. The video was about how moms, because like moms, we just tend to be the schedule makers, like we just and I would say most moms are in the same boat as me and they're the ones making plans. And so, really, the video was a joke about how mom and stepmom should team up, yeah, so that they're sharing that weight together. And everybody was like, What about dad? What what about him? And I was like, I literally didn't even say dad in the video, like not one time, it was about mom.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

You struck a nervous.

SPEAKER_02 16:33

I did, yeah. Wait, I really did.

SPEAKER_01 16:36

A lot of people had like their opinions on it.

SPEAKER_02 16:39

Yeah, they did, and there was a lot of I but I saw so many comments where it was like, I would I don't co-parent with my ex-husband's wife or like my ex's spouse. And I was like, that's a that's a problem.

SPEAKER_01 16:55

Yeah, not gonna talk to the new wife or the new woman.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

Yeah, that person is with your kid. I mean, let's say 50% of the time. Yeah. And like you're you're not even gonna talk to them. Like you, you can't even, you know, figure out like, I don't know, like a softball schedule for sports or something like that. Like that's that can't be good.

SPEAKER_04 17:16

Yeah, and how does the kid perceive that?

SPEAKER_02 17:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:20

So um, I think one of the things I was gonna say just a second ago when you were talking about that too, is I think even if you go beyond just mom, mom's role and everything, and dad's role and everything, stepparent in general, while maybe it's a stepmom, but maybe it's a stepdad in some cases. That idea of, you know, having limited access to the information coming out from the school, it is strange when you've got all these other people who are directly involved with the the care and coordination of a child. It seems weird to me that that you couldn't be added as a content at the school. Which I can't.

SPEAKER_02 17:58

Yeah, that's it's odd to me. I have sent message upon message. I'm pretty sure you've sent a message, Sampa sent a message. Yeah, they're all like, she is the one.

SPEAKER_05 18:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

And they're like, no, she is not mom and she is not dad. And so therefore, she gets nothing.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

Which is wild too, because like whenever meeting Salem were married and I was watching Andrew, and he lived with us, you know, his dad was three miles away in Washington State, and she was deployed. And they were like, Yeah, only the parent could talk to them. Like, I am the only parent, yeah. Like if like you know, his biological father is in Washington State, and his mother's deployed, which is kind of crazy to think about it too. Is there's so many deployed soldiers here that have like a weird parent plane, whether it be like an aunt and uncle is watching your child, or your father's, you know, like your grandparents watching them, or even like like a sibling is watching them, so it's like my sister is watching my kids, or it could be any of those plethora of things that's watching their child while they're deployed, and like they have a power attorney, but it still doesn't even matter in the eyes of like the school system. You know, I guess I guess and they're like, No, that person is not we can't put that person's primary because the father has to have access, and like so like he has to like break an arm, like you're gonna call and then like you're gonna delay care, yeah. Because then he's gonna have to call me, you know, the person, the dad that's actually in the state, right? You know, down the road. Like, this makes no sense. And like, oh, I'm so sorry. And like, I guess like something happened, you know. I'm sure if there's some more someone was sued, and you know, and they won somehow, and they're like, Nope, never again will we do this. Right.

SPEAKER_02 19:35

I mean, I do I know from his kids, and like the mom didn't even have like she wasn't even supposed to be allowed to get the school information.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

Yeah, so chart brown rights were gone.

SPEAKER_02 19:47

Yeah, and their mom, here's their birth certificate, my name's on it, and she would remove us. And then we would have to go through the whole like, here's the court order, here's all the things. But to me, it is really wild how many schools or states are still like pro-Mom. Yeah, like they don't even ask, like they don't even like the idea that dad could be the one with all the information is supposed to have the information, the only one who's supposed to have the information is still even like a question because there's lots of dads out there that are doing it and not the mom.

SPEAKER_04 20:25

Yeah, absolutely. So, Fao, you're in charge at work all day. You make calls, you manage people, you run the floor, and then you come home and you're essentially told like where to go, where where to show up and when. How do you make that shift from like running everything around you to kind of following orders, if you will?

SPEAKER_01 20:46

We love it. It's nice to just sit back and yeah, I think when you're when you talk about like even in military terms, like we were like I was joking with one of the guys because we golf with like he was the command start major hall of HRC, which is like you know, resources for the entire military. Wow. So he I mean, like you can't go anywhere besides like you know, command start major of the army. So we were joking with him about you know, you were in charge of so many people, and I was like, So you have like he's like, I love it that I he's the analogy, like, oh, I'm like private when I come home. Yeah, and then like I switched to like a staff when I go to work. And I was like, but I'm totally fine with it too. It's like there's things in the military like a lot of people joke about too, that's like P4 mafia, you know. You get like a lot of guys that like you you have enough rank where you're not new, but you don't have enough rank where you're in charge of everything. And that was probably the best rank for most people because you know you you you had no responsibility. Right. And like you could disappear, you know. So I kind of like that too, like at home, like I have enough responsibility here, but like I can also disappear because she can still yell at the kids if like if I need to yell the kids. I'm more scared of her anyway. Like if anything they want to get away with something, they come ask me. Like, especially Archer, like, can I have milk? Can I you know, can I have like a snack? I don't care how you're the yes, you're the yes parent. Well to me, like those things like you know, like when you're like when you're asking is like, I don't know, can you like like eat it? You know, if you're hungry, you like just get a snack. But uh like uh I'm obstacle, it's like, no. You're not gonna eat dance. Like you're not gonna have four o'clock, it's not dinner time yet.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

If if he eats at four o'clock, if he has a snack at four o'clock, he will not eat his dinner. Especially with Archer, because like a snack to him is like an entire amount of chips, not not a not like the little bags of chips, like a full-size bag of chips.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

But like at work, it's different. So like when someone's like, Hey, can I go to lunch? It's like, do we have enough coverage that you can break while you go to lunch? So that's like the answer is like, oh, like do we have coverage? Okay, cool. But here it's like I'm not worried about any of that. I'm not worried about like, do we have enough coverage for our customer? You know, yeah, use the kid. So it's like, I don't, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

It must be nice to come home and like you could literally like sit on the couch and like get on your phone and like almost not exist. You could too if you wanted to. You won't let yourself.

SPEAKER_02 23:10

Maybe I don't know. Is that nice? Is it like nice to turn your brain off?

SPEAKER_00 23:15

I do enjoy like sitting in silence.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

You enjoy it too, like when the kids feel like when you have like Archibiring bed and like El-Downstairs, like this. We'll be on the couch and like the TV will be off, and we'll be staring at our phone or doing something and having a single conversation and yeah, just just chilling. Wonderful bliss.

SPEAKER_02 23:37

I think that that's like I've said it before, it's one of my favorite things that we do together is sit in silence because it's that would happen very often. Like there's always something.

SPEAKER_01 23:49

It takes a lot to to be, you know, in love with someone and like be able to sit there and completely say, yeah. A lot of people have to have some type of like conversation, like so how's your day? That was good. Yeah, how's your day?

SPEAKER_03 24:06

It is this out.

SPEAKER_04 24:12

Has there ever been a moment where you had everything planned and Kyle had other things planned, and the messages didn't make their ways across and things just sort of backfired?

SPEAKER_02 24:25

I mean, I'm trying to remember what wrestling tournament it was. You went golfing that day. And he did make it work. He sh he did show up to the tournament, and you were maybe a half hour late. I don't even think you were that late.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

I didn't think it was a single match.

SPEAKER_02 24:42

No, you didn't miss any matches.

SPEAKER_04 24:46

But you had already committed with other people, so you couldn't back out of that.

SPEAKER_02 24:49

And it was you were far away too. I think it was and so they had a really early tea time, and like he like came home and he starts like grabbed his bag and he's like cleaning his club and he was doing stuff, and I was like, What are you doing? He's like, I'm trying to love the net. I'm so excited. He starts talking about it. I was like, You're not doing that. Like, we have a wrestling tournament tomorrow. He's just like, What do you mean? I have seven o'clock tea time.

SPEAKER_03 25:18

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_02 25:19

And so you made it work. And and I I like to think that I can be flexible to give you some time with your friends. I tried, but I would have been really sad had he missed it altogether.

SPEAKER_03 25:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:35

And the kids would have been too. Yeah. I would have been probably not sad. I would have been Yeah. Had you like been like, oh, I'm tired. I'm gonna go home and take a nap instead of coming to the tournament. I would have been like US. Get your ass down here.

SPEAKER_04 25:51

So did it exist from day one and it's just been smooth ever since, or have you had to kind of tweak things to figure out what the system actually is when you're trying to coordinate two families? Like when you first got together, was there a system like this in place where you were handling everything, or has it just grown over time?

SPEAKER_02 26:13

Yeah, we definitely had to tweak things because well, we both were seeing more messy than I am. That's not new. You guys have two separate terms there. I am not messier than him. He thinks that having that one time. I didn't get some.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

You've lost me. The one thing that as soon as you like put your feet on the floor, I'm like, okay, like you can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 26:43

No sense. Whatever. Yeah, no, he thinks that like decor is like he equates that to clutter.

SPEAKER_00 26:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Whereas like you had I'm super frugal now. Oh my god, get a picture on the wall, one picture in his entire house on the wall. I feel like that's so sterile. It was so it was weird.

SPEAKER_01 27:10

And that's the thing that was like when we first started dating, she was like, There's no way there's a woman here.

SPEAKER_02 27:14

Oh god, yeah, it's definitely no one.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

Oh look, is he like you know, cheating or is he dating someone else? Like as soon as she walked in the house, she was like, No, means nothing. No woman ever would put in this house. I don't think I have bachelor pads. I don't have a single thing, a counter. I think I had a place for everything.

SPEAKER_02 27:30

Well, no, but that's what I was gonna say is like some of your stuff, like he, so like let's say he's like keys, his keys belong counter in this one specific spot on the counter. I know why, because if it's not there, you'll never find them again. But like me, I don't want anything like that. Okay, and so to me, like that's messy. But like he doesn't think that like that's gonna need a catch all, and that's my voice. He has catch alls, yes, and so he has one that's over here, like right there at the end of the counter, because that's where he likes to put things, and so then I'll when I'm cleaning and just go over and put it all in one swoop, and then you have the one next to your bed as well, your catch all. It's like a cute little box. And if he like leaves shit out, I'm like, yeah, he goes your ketchup. And then he'll be like, Where's this? Like, did you look in your box or your door?

SPEAKER_01 28:21

Yeah, I mean, and then like I think the way I did things as far as like when it was just me and Archer. You did laundry every day. Every day. So I did laundry every day.

SPEAKER_05 28:31

Yeah, every day.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

So like I and it like it'd be like a smaller. I always said like the laundry goes like small. Yeah. So like whenever he was showering, like either I would shower or like be right behind him. So like I mean, we're just two boys, so like we'd be butt-ass naked, you know, and be doing laundry and throw it in the dryer and then fold it and hang it back up and already lay out all of his clothes and monkeys the next day. Wow. And then he'd be a job.

SPEAKER_04 28:55

That takes commitment right there every night.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

But it just yeah, to me, that way it like it just never piled up. Yeah, I didn't even have a laundry basket.

SPEAKER_04 29:03

He did not.

SPEAKER_01 29:04

And I didn't need one because he doesn't even do laundry every day. But like wow. I had two pairs of everything, like two pairs of linen, two pairs of like towels. Yeah, so like I it just honestly rotate. So if I like the one day that I had a huge laundry was because I was doing bedding.

SPEAKER_04 29:23

So you each had systems, you didn't have you didn't have a blended system yet. No, no. So we ended up and we've had a blend over over the years.

SPEAKER_02 29:34

Maybe give up on some things, but I'd have given on some things.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

The way like we clean, the way like we put certain things away, or do you give up on making the bed? Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 29:43

I didn't know the answer. Bed has to be like sometimes I was I told you this like a few weeks ago. Remember how I told you I was like, sometimes I don't make the bed until like 20 years before he's coming home, just so that I can feel like I have some sort of virtual men.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

Yeah, excepting like the latest, you know, when like the weekend or like we're sleeping in and like we get out and we're like starting moving around. I I might be out here for 30 minutes and then like it'll drive me crazy and go back inside and better.

SPEAKER_02 30:16

No, if I if I wanna if I wanna be petty, I just won't make it until 30 minutes before you come home. Then on again, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

Yeah, I have no idea anyway.

SPEAKER_02 30:25

So yeah, no idea. It made me feel good though.

SPEAKER_00 30:30

Sure shouldn't be. I have no clue.

SPEAKER_02 30:33

It got the pettiness out of me.

SPEAKER_04 30:35

That's all that matters. So do you remember when you started merging systems and sleepovers when we like first were yeah, like first we kind of date and like kind of like not date, but like like deciding that we were gonna actually like have a feature.

SPEAKER_02 30:52

And so when we would do like family sleepovers is when we would kind of start to see, like, oh, like this is different. Like, how would we do it together as a family? And that's when I think things started at least to be seen, but until we moved in together, I wasn't fully adopt anything at either home until we moved in together.

SPEAKER_04 31:16

So on the other side of it then, what would you tell a couple who's just starting out? So maybe they're they're newly blending families and they're trying to figure out who handles what and it keeps turning into a fight or disagreement. What advice would you have for people who are trying to figure out how to make this blend between families work?

SPEAKER_02 31:40

I think that people, for one, people need to be more flexible. If you are coming into an already built family, okay, so like as a stack bomb, I'm coming in. Like there's already practices and things happening that have been happening for probably years. And so I'm coming into that. I need to be flexible, but at the same time, like both parties need to kind of have that same flexibility. But the other piece, too, is you've got to talk to each other because, like, generally speaking, there's a reason. There is a reason behind like why something needs to be done a certain way, or you would be flexible. You know, maybe it's some sort of like like I think the bed being made has to do with your military base. And so, like, for that, that's really important to you. And not doing it would create some sort of anxiety for you. I don't want that. And like not making the bed, does it like I don't know, make me happier? Like, no, it doesn't make any difference to me. Yeah, but if I don't make the bed and it's causing him anxiety, like I don't want that.

SPEAKER_04 32:48

That's not worth the fight.

SPEAKER_02 32:49

Yeah, absolutely not. So like talk to each other, it's pretty simple, I think.

SPEAKER_01 32:54

Yeah, I mean, there I mean then probably um like being able to give up to rings on certain things, like you don't have to be in charge of everything.

SPEAKER_02 33:03

You shouldn't be in charge of everything.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

Sure, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of people that I'm sure are afraid to give up that power. Like, you know, that's a lot of trust. I mean, like you're giving someone else the trust of like, hey, whether it be laundry or you know, putting your kid to bed or think about like giving setting a schedule for your kid to go to bed at a certain time, giving you like finances you know exactly how much trust that took for me to give it to them.

SPEAKER_02 33:30

Because I have never had a spouse who I would trust with money. And I'm like, okay. And like I I trust you, I trust you to do it.

SPEAKER_03 33:40

But that's that's new, and that's hard to do.

SPEAKER_04 33:46

You know, not ripping everything out starting over from scratch, but you know, adjusting the systems that are already in place. But also the way you guys have your roles kind of identified too, is you're also tapping into your strengths. So you're doing things that you're good at naturally, and that's kind of become your role in the family too. Yeah. So you're not like fighting against something you're not very good at.

SPEAKER_01 34:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 34:08

Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

I think it's just like uh to me, it's why wouldn't you like if someone's better at something, why wouldn't you want them for the pure reason of your like your life too? Like that's why, like uh we like everyone has like, I think that's like the whole reason for like this episode too, was like everyone had like a job and everyone has their role and everyone has a duty like in the marriage, and there's nothing wrong with like I am the mom role, right? Dad role, and like there's plenty of times where I can be the mom role, like I have no problem doing laundry or cleaning, or there are things that need to be done, and you guys figure out what needs to be. Like we were both, yeah. I mean, as a man being single with a child, I still do every single one of those things like a typical woman would have to do, like, oh, yeah, cook, clean, all this. Yeah, I did all that in my own house, and then in this role, like it's just nicer to have someone that will do certain things.

SPEAKER_04 35:03

Yeah, but you also have the flexibility too. And when you're working from home, you know, like someone in a traditional office, you may step aside and like go have a conversation with someone in the office. You might step away from your work and go throw a load of laundry in. Like, it's just easier because you're already here, too. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 35:20

Still plenty of things when I go on like toilet's blog or this or that or that. Like I try to still become a lot of people.

SPEAKER_02 35:29

It's all it's all it's all brand new now.

SPEAKER_04 35:32

Yeah, even our kids have roles though. Like they're even involved in this tour distribution.

SPEAKER_02 35:38

And I used to call it this house day, is like how like Zero Saturday chore day was bless this house day. And like there was a reason I called it that, and it was because everybody should be participating. Like, this is your life, yeah. And like we should be blessing our house.

SPEAKER_01 35:57

So like when you become an adult too, yeah, live like a slob.

SPEAKER_02 36:01

Well, not only that, it's not just about that. Like, you are afforded this beautiful life, like you should be thankful. And like, what a better way to show your thanks than by taking care of them. And at least that's how like I see it.

SPEAKER_04 36:18

Yeah. I've had some friends that we've had that conversation in relation to like paying an allowance and how you know I was adamant that I would not pay my kids an allowance for things that they contributed to. Like they're not going to get an allowance for unloading the dishes. They ate off those dishes too. Now, maybe like maybe I don't really give them an allowance, but if I did, maybe like picking up poop in the yard or something, you know, that is something extra that doesn't necessarily, you know, it's not a result of them.

SPEAKER_02 36:47

I I do not believe in allowances for the same exact reason. Yeah. I I think like if if it's something that you should be doing, anyways, like keeping your room clean. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like you should be doing that, period. But like the dishes things or like the trash. And that has been a recurring conversation with Archer that he doesn't understand why he can't have an allowance or he'll ask sometimes because I'll tell him, like, you get an allowance for extra stuff. Yeah. He's like, well, then like let me have some extra chores so that I can get an allowance. And I was like, no, you can't get extra stuff until you do what you weren't supposed to do. I'm not giving you extra chores when you haven't done yes the things that you should be doing. Yeah. And yeah, he still doesn't get it.

SPEAKER_04 37:33

Yeah. The one thing I settled on for them, I haven't really started it with Davian much. This is the first year he's really had grades. Um, I will I will do some money for grades if they're keeping good grades. Um, but if there's a C on the report card, no money at all for any of them. But A's and B's, I don't mind. I don't mind paying for that as kind of a reward, sort of like a paycheck, I guess. Like, you know, considering school as going to work. I'm open to that, but I really haven't gotten on the the chore bandwagon with an allowance for the same reasons. No.

unknown 38:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:07

I think the only thing I ever got paid for is if I wanted them all the lawn.

SPEAKER_04 38:15

That's kind of like an extra one too. I mean, yes, it needs to be done, but it doesn't grow as a result of their patience. You know, it just yeah. Is there anything that you talked about this a little bit that there were some things actually that you had to kind of give up when you came together as a unit?

SPEAKER_03 38:32

Outside of make in the yes kind of big. Well, laundry was another big one because we I don't do laundry every day.

SPEAKER_01 38:43

Yeah, that was probably hard for me. Like not being able to look but I don't want to wait.

SPEAKER_03 38:50

If he wants me to do laundry, he was the other day guy.

SPEAKER_01 38:53

If he wants me to do laundry for like there's certain, yeah, there's certain like I'll wear like shorts or like jeans or something like that. And I'm like, I'll want to wear them the next day. Like I'm like, oh, they'll go good with this shirt or that, and like this would be late. Like they're still in the laundry like God, like why are they still in the laundry? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:11

That's not Saturday.

SPEAKER_04 39:12

Well, Kyle, thank you for coming back and being honest about all of this. I think what people are going to take away from this one is it was never about capability. It's about figuring out who is good at what and just letting them do it without turning it into a whole thing. Thanks everybody for listening. If this one got you thinking about how your own household runs, good. That's kind of the whole point. We'll see you next week.

SPEAKER_01 39:34

Bye.