Becoming Burnham
A blended family, big feelings, mental health days, and grief that shows up uninvited. Becoming Burnham is messy, honest, healing, and very us.
Becoming Burnham
23 - The Boy Behind The 23rd
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This episode is a birthday party. Arlan's. And you're invited.
He would have been 13 this year, and we're celebrating the only way we know how — by talking about him. Who he was, how he loved, and what he left behind in the people who are still here.
Come hang out with us.
Welcome back to Becoming Burnham. Today we are celebrating Arlen's birthday. Arlen would be 13 on June 23rd, and since this episode is 23 and his birthday is coming up, this episode is for him. I kept trying to find the right way to start this, and nothing really fit. So we're just going to start with him. There's so much to say about this kid, and there always has been. And today we're going to say it, all of it. The stories, the memories, and at the very end, Arlen gets one final vote on how the day goes. You're going to want to stay for that one. Happy birthday, Arlen. Cat, let's do this. Okay. What's the most Arlen thing Arlen ever did or said? I have to say, reading through your questions before we started, I was like trying to like think and remember. And um one thing came to mind when I read this question. And when Arlen was, I want to say he was in second grade, a kid who was a fourth or fifth grader was that also walked home, same route as him. And he was always picking on the younger kids. And I'm not big into violence. And so I was like, just ignore it. Like it's he's just picking and no big deal. Well, like one day Arlen had had enough of this kid, and I don't even think he was picking on Arlen himself. It was all these other little kids. And Arlen turned around, grabbed the kid by his shoulders, and headbutted him. Gave him bloody nose. No way. Swear God. And this kid was probably, I don't know, at least a foot taller than him. Yeah. Like he was huge compared to Arlen. Was he in elementary school too? I think he was a fifth grader.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02No shits given. And like the kid did end up, like, I think he ended up punching Arlen or something. Because that was how I found out. Um, but like that's what made me like, like that was so Arlen. Yeah. Like he was he was gonna stick up for the other kids. And he didn't care if you were bigger and older and wiser, all of the things. Like if it wasn't right, he was gonna let you know. Yeah. And that's all there was to it. What made him laugh harder than anything? This was another one that was like really tough for me because I was just like, What was it? Like anything. He was such a happy kid. I always say that, like, so Ella and Arlen were very different babies. Like Ella was very happy, and I I don't even remember what the sound of her cry was. Um, whereas Arlen was very colicky, but and he, as they got deserved six months of his life, all he did was cry, which I know isn't true because I have plenty of videos to prove it, but yeah, um, that's all I remember is the sound of his cry from when he was that young. I feel like Arlen just had this different like sense of himself, and like he didn't get into his feels as much as Ella, you know, does. And he was just a little bit happier, go lucky than she was. Like, he got frustrated and all things, of course. But he was just so freaking happy about everything. It could have been that he was excited about being by basketball, it could have been that he was um excited to learn a new fact that like Kyle didn't know and like wanted upping him. Um, it could be like I remember them learning how to line dance together, him and Ella, and like how much he laughed during that. Yeah, like there's so many different things I can think of, and I'm like, he's just a happy kid. What is the video where he's like riding down your backyard? What did he say in that one? He says, Um, I'm a free agent. And then he just like barely launches down the hill. Yes. There's so there's one video. Um, I don't think I posted it, but like you see him like crash at the bottom, and all of us adults are like, oh my god, like is he okay? And like you hear him like he jumped up, like you don't see it on the video, but he jumped up and he was like, I'm okay. But like you can hear the I'm okay, and everybody's like, see, he's fine. But oh my god, he was such a like daredevil. Um, like I think about he wouldn't love to be going to that and like riding all the rotors and yes. He would have just gone. What's your side-by-side? He loved that too. Just anything that was like daring and fast. And I mean, daring and fast, but also outdoors. He loved to be outside. Um, I mean, and that's how he was even like as a baby. Yeah. I mean, that's how he got him to learn how to pee out of a diaper was he was allowed to use the bathroom outside. He could go pee outside, he could pee on the tree, he can pee, and that was how he had a tree outside. And it wasn't until you know, like it got cold and he no longer wanted to pee outside that he would pee in the toilet. But like by then you had already learned the he knew, oh, this is what it feels like to have to pee. Yes, because he always wanted like when we told him, like if you don't wear diapers anymore, he was like stay less. What food was he obsessed with? I mean seafood. Really? Oh my gosh, yes, and I think we've talked about this. I guess so, about his like um expensive taste. We need our own very expensive taste. But if he had the choice to have seafood, and I'm not talking like fish sticks, like heck no, like that was not good enough for him. I remember I made um fish tacos and I used like fish sticks because like it's just so much easier to just use the fish sticks than to like fry up your own fish. Yeah. And he was like, wow. Like judging you? Yes. And I was, I'm like, really? Like it's fish tacos. And he was like, hmm, I don't know if I'd go that far. Like he still ate them, but he's such a little turd. He's very bougie with his fish. Aren't you the one who told me that you can do you can have crab legs or seafood boil or something prepared at Publix? Oh yeah. Do you know that because of him, or is that something you learned after? Uh I'm trying to think of when I when you did it for the first time? Yeah. It's probably because of him. Because like I'm like trying to think, like, that's normally why we had seafood was because Yeah, because none of you strike me as seafood people or you would like, you know, seek it out as yeah a meal or something. Maybe you'd eat it if you'd like to get away. I mean, I like salmon. I have a salmon recipe that like Ella and I really, really like, and obviously Arlen too. But um, Kyle doesn't like seafood really. Okay. And so unless we're in Florida, he's not really interested in having seafood. And so we just don't make it. Um, but I remember the first time I made uh I made steak and lobster at home. And first off, it's the best lobster I've ever had in my life. And I made it, which I was like shocked. And I'm pretty sure I like cut the shit out of my hand trying to prepare it. Yeah. But, anyways, um, that was the first time Arlen had had like good seafood outside of you know crab legs. How old was he? Uh he would have been, so it was in 2020. So he would have been what seven? Okay. Um, because it was I made it for for Kyle. It was our first Valentine's Day together. And so I'm like, it would have been either 2020 or 2021.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_02Um and so that was like the his first taste of it. And then after that, it was all over. Yeah. Like even at like El Brero, yeah, he would have the seafood platter. Really? Or the seafood, I think it's called the seafood platter. That's what I had. I think you guys were going out to eat or something, and he told Kyle he wanted like the steak, the surf and turf or the steak and shrimp or something. And he's like, if you can eat it all, well, so that was how Arlen started to get to eat like all the kid menu meals. Okay. Um, and it would have been around seven, maybe eight, but I think it was right, right around seven years old. And um, he really wanted something, and I want to say it was surf and turf. Yeah. And um, he had never had like an adult meal. Yeah. And I don't even know if we were having Ella order off of the adult menu yet. Like, I don't think she was even eating enough. And so Kyle was like, I'm gonna do it one time, one time. And if you don't clear your plate, we're not doing it again, which obviously like we would have eventually. Um, but Arlen cleared his plate that day, like it was clean. They probably could have served another dish on the plate after that. But um, yeah, he but he was a big eater too. Yeah, like Ellen and Arlen both have have never been, you know, super picky eaters. But seafood was definitely hands down what he wanted. Yeah. Were there any rules that he didn't think applied to him? None of them. And it's just so funny to me because, like, for me, like he's my baby, yeah, right. And so we we all know the baby of the family, like there's a reason they say that the baby of the family gets gets away with murder and blah blah blah, all the things like it's it is born from some semblance of truth. Um, and and Arlen was my baby, and so he did get away with more than his siblings did. And I didn't realize that that like he continued that at school. And so, but like even He said he was so charming, he was his so like that's like that was always the response that I got. Oh, well, we knew he was doing that. Ireland did, blah, blah, blah. And I would be like, I would be ready to be like, oh my god, like he's in so much trouble. And they were like, but he's so cute, or he made this joke after, or he did this, and you know, it's fine. It was so funny, no big deal. Like, that was always what they said. He just charmed the socks out of like literally everybody. They all thought he was cute, they all thought he was sweet, and he was. Yeah, he was just such a care. There's one teacher though, he never was able to charm. One, he only had her half the year, so it's not that big of a deal. But um, I do remember that was like the the one time that Arlen was like, I don't like school. I I you know, I don't want to, I don't want to deal with this person, like she's mean to me, and she was um, but yeah, but outside of that, every other teacher he was had them wrapped around his finger. What was his greatest act of mischief? Um, I found out at school that he used to stand on the desk and like make monkey noises, I guess, um, when the teacher would leave the room and like he'd make like the whole class laugh. Um, but for me, because I didn't know that. Yeah, I didn't know that until you know after he had passed away. But um, for here, for home, he would sneak like food at night. That's I was hoping you were gonna tell that story because that's my favorite one. Yeah. He would literally, so we had cameras in our living room. So it was like like here's our living room and our kitchen, and our pantry was here. And so we had a camera like in this corner. So like the stairs were behind the camera, and but it like shot, you know, the whole kitchen in living room. And he would literally come down the stairs and then he would army crawl from the stairs all the way to the pantry. And um, I didn't I think Ella is the one who liked it. She would turn it. Yeah, she like with she'd open the door. Yeah, they would they would purposely leave the pantry door open because they learned that if they opened it, like the camera would catch them.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_02And so they learned to open it before they went to bed and leave it open so that when they army crawled, they didn't have to open the door. They could grab their snack and then army crawl back. Uh-huh. And you guys never caught them? I never well, I so I did know, I did know. I did not know like the full extent. Like I didn't know that they were like purposely leaving the pantry open or how much you know they were. How do you know? How do you know anything was happening? So it did catch him once. Okay. So one time I have, well, I don't have it anymore, but um, I do have like just a brief, like you can see him like army crawling, and it's like so small you would miss it, but it just like my camera kept going off, and I was like, why does it keep going off? Like that is so weird. And we have cats and you know, dumps and whatnot. So I was like, oh, it's probably just one of the animals. And for some reason that day, I happened to look a little bit closer, and sure as shit, it was Arlen. Army crawling across did he get in trouble for that or didn't he charm his way out of it? What do you think? Uh I don't know. I figured he'd charm his way out of it. Totally charm his way out of it. Yeah, it was just like one of those things that like I knew he did, and we just accepted it. Like, he's not hurting anyone, he wasn't hurting anybody, and it was almost like a for effort, man. Yeah, I know. Do you think he would be embarrassed with that story if you were here, or you think he'd like, yeah, that was me? Oh yeah, he'd be super proud of himself, like that. It would be, you know, the kids like, oh, I got away with that. Yeah, and triumph. Like, and I feel like that is kind of how he felt about any of the things that he got away with. Was he really proud? He'd like test the boundaries and he did like to he did like to test the boundaries. What made him feel safe? So I was like this particular question. Um, I was really thinking hard because I was like, I don't, I don't know. But then it like dawned on me, like I don't know if Arlen ever really thought so much about his own safety. I think it was more about making others feel safe, and that's almost better, I mean, in a way, like just like knowing like how much he cared. And so, like the things that he like seatbelts. Yeah, he didn't so much care that he had to wear a seatbelt, but Archer was gonna wear one. Like, there's no way in hell that that would ever like fly. Um, but I mean where would that where did that come from? He was so young. I honestly I don't know. Yeah, he's just always been like that. Caring and he's been always been really, really compassionate and like really cared about other people. And I don't know if it's like there's a lot of like young, like the youngest sibling, right? They're sometimes they can be a little bratty and like all but he just never really was. I I do think that it had a lot to do with um, I didn't start with him in school when he was five. And so I think that that extra year brought a little bit more like emotional maturity because like when they're young, when they show acts of kindness, like it's in different ways. Yeah, but like once they get into school and it's like you're really caring about others like outside of your family, yeah, it's different. And I think that that came just from just a little bit extra emotional maturity that the other kids didn't have. And so like he would see like somebody suffering, you know, whatever that looks like at school, and he would like kind of become their savior. Yeah. And that's to me, that's part of like how Arlen ended up being like this I don't know, like kid for justice. Yeah, you know, he was always looking out for for others, yeah. What's your favorite memory of him? I still can't get past like when he broke his arm, and like it's just like my favorite story. I love to tell it, and it's just so funny because it's like, did you fart? No, why would I fart? And I still can hear him like saying it. Snitches get stitches, and it's just so funny. But like, can you imagine? Like, here he is in a vulnerable position, you know, like he's got a broken arm, he's all jerked up, and like that's what he says. Like, he's just cracking jokes, and it's just hilarious, and it shows exactly like the kind of person that he was. He's just such a funny freaking kid. What did Arlen teach you about being a mom? We we talked about this earlier, and I I do have a hard time like putting it into words, but um when I had Ella before Arlen, and we all know I was not in the greatest, you know, marriage, it was hard. Um I was determined to show Ella like you stick it out, and like marriage is worth saving, and blah, blah, blah, blah, all the things, right? And then when I had Arlen, it was like it flipped and I realized, like, no, what am I doing? I am not going to teach my son that this is okay. Yeah. And it's still sometimes questioned, you know, like that's horrible that had I not had Arlen or had I had another daughter, like for whatever reason, like I was teaching my daughter that it's acceptable, you know, to be treated in a certain way that was not, but it was not okay. And I think it was the idea that my son would learn that and go out and do it. And that was when I said no.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So I don't know what that is, what lesson that is exactly. But I mean, if it weren't for Arlen being born, I don't know what would have happened with my life. Do you think that contributed to your personality today? I think so. Yeah. Um, I don't know though, like what would that be called? I mean, that's kind of a sense of justice too. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And and that boundary setting of no, this is not acceptable. I am worth more than this, and my children are worth more than this. Yeah. Yeah. Justice. Yeah. I learned justice. And maybe that's where he maybe that's a little bit of where he got it from was seeing you probably demand a different like outcome or lifestyle, or you know, and put them in front of yourself, even. Well, and I will say, like, that was Ella experienced it too, but like Arlen, so when when they were younger, like we had when I was married, like we had a really nice house, and um not that we were we weren't like we were still paycheck to paycheck, but we had nice things. Um, but then when I was a single mom, like life changed because it was just me. Yeah, and um, we lived in a smaller home and it wasn't as nice, and we had a much smaller vehicle, and you know, we probably were shopping at like goodwill or you know, bargain hunting and things of that nature, which I didn't necessarily do before. And Ola, she remembers or would have at that time, I don't know if she does anymore, but she would have remembered what it was like to be with Dan. But Arlen never had that, yeah. And so like he didn't know, like he didn't know that life was different than I guess than the hard work that you put into it, and like what you put in is what you're gonna get out, because that was a big thing for me, especially with the kids, yeah. Was if you work hard and you are good to others, like good things will happen to you, yeah. And I mean, good things have happened to us, yeah. And like we've gone, I mean, like a full 180 from like where we started or 180, 360. But it's he got to see that that whole transition, whereas like Ella, it would be different because she got to see it and then lost it, yeah. And he only got to see what it feels like the buildup, yeah. And I I don't know, I think that that's kind of amazing, yeah, if you think about it. Do you notice how how are you different as a mom having a daughter and having a son? Like, do you notice anything in your strength or in your softness that may have come from being a girl mom or being a boy mom? I mean, I would say now, um, because you know it's Ella that we have full time, um, I think I'm a lot softer than I used to be. And there's probably things that I'm like, eh, like just not interested in doing them anymore because I don't have a boy to like share with. Um, I really thought that I was gonna be a much cooler like boy mom, like, because I wanted to have a boy. Um, but like I'm not super athletic, and I don't know, I don't really like to be scared, and I don't like to have adrenaline brushes and things like that. Um, so I mean I think that I had this idea of what it was gonna be like to have a boy, and really what ended up happening is that he was just naturally all of those things, and I helped make him softer. That's what happened. Uh-huh. But I I don't know. To me, I'm like, I think that children are more innate than I think we even realize. Like, sure, their surroundings and what they're exposed to, and all that like plays an impact. But kids are who they are. I mean, even whether you like it or not. Yes. Like, do you did you know a difference between Drayden and Davian when they were in your womb? No, they hiked him out. But did they act any different though? Yeah, no, not then really not in my womb, but the day they were born, yes. Immediately they were different. Didn't notice so much inside. Even in my well, maybe because they're both boys. Maybe. But like even in my womb, it was like totally different. I could, I could see, I could see that with the difference between a boy and a girl, being pregnant with a boy versus being pregnant. I mean, with them both being boys, like I mean, I was violently ill with both of them. So like that whole experience was very similar. There were little tiny things like with Drayton, when he would kind of push, if I would like he'd you know how they'll like push their foot or something, if I push back, he'd move it back, like, oh my god, sorry. Sorry, and Dadian was not not quite as responsive. Um but the moment they were born, absolutely they were different. Didn't you like that has translated? Yeah, if you know I think it has, like with Drayton, if you push back, you're like, hey, no, he's like, oh man. But like with Dadian, he's like, okay, like I'm just gonna keep going. And so like, I think that not that we don't have impact, not saying that, but I think if we embraced who our children were a little bit more, then maybe we wouldn't have like such a hard time because we're like fighting this losing battle because they are who they are. Yeah, yeah. And so and I think there are lots of other examples in other families too, where people who try to fight who their children are end up creating a lot of other problems where if you're like, but that just let them be who they are. Yeah. And I mean, it's hard as parents, obviously, you know, to decide like what's safe and what's not, and all of those pieces, but um I do think that like, and I don't know if it is because of what I had gone through with Dan or like being a single mom was was a really wonderful experience for me, and I really enjoyed being a single mom, which is not what you typically hear. Um, but I remember, and it's funny because the post actually came up on Facebook. I remember I like literally posted on Facebook because I wanted to remember that day. I was like, I found my purpose in life, and that's what it said. That's all it said. And like I just remember there's lots of comments that are like, well, what is it? But it wasn't like I didn't post that because I wanted people to like know. Yeah, I just wanted to remember that I found my purpose in life was mothering these two amazing creatures, yeah. And I knew that Ella and Arlen were special, and like every parent thinks their kids are special, but I knew that my kids were special and they were gonna do big things someday, yeah, and I still feel that way, yeah. What did Arlen teach his siblings? I think he taught them to like relax, yeah. Yeah, like it's okay to have fun, it's okay to play, it's okay to laugh at I don't know, the world. Um, like nothing's that bad. And like I'm glad that he taught them that. Yeah, you know, because I think they carry that with them today because like if he were here or if he were to tell us something, I think that that's what it would be. Like that it is okay. Yeah, but like keep laughing, keep having fun. What did he teach his friends? Probably the same thing. He was always like trying to make everybody laugh and smile. And I mean, like, there's so many different stories that I've heard or experienced. I think that's so cool how they've all found their way back to you, too. A lot, I mean, a lot of them. Yeah, um, I'm sure there's probably more out there that like people haven't told me. But I mean, like the story of him standing on his desk, um, he had like an entire like lunch, I don't know, trading mafia situation. Like there was a whole thing. Um, then he was singing to some kid like on the street on a regular basis, like singing to them. Um, he had like a buddy at school who you know was special needs, and like he still he was with him for one year, maybe two, but I think it was one year. And that kid, he was always looking out for him, even like up until he passed. Yeah, like that's crazy. Yeah, um, but I didn't know these things. Like, your kids have a whole life that you like that you don't even know about once they go to school. And like, sure, we know some things about it, and like we all want to be like, oh, I know, I know my kid, I know my kid so well, but like you don't know all those little stories and all those little details, and having people like tell me how impactful my 10-year-old son was. That is unbelievable. Yeah, yeah, it is. I think it reminds me, well, going back to talking about you know, letting kids kind of be who they are, too, it's like our job is not to create a child who mirrors us. They our job is to raise them to go out and be their own people, and he he did that, you know, with no shame or or reservation or anything. He was able to just own who he was and go out there and you know, kind of like take life by the horns. Um, and that's that's part of the beauty of the the safety and security you created for him is that he felt safe to be who he was and go out and influence all these people in in that time, you know? Yeah, and that's pretty special. What parts of your life today would not exist without him? I mean, gosh, I don't know. Because like maybe I'd still be in that really difficult relationship. Um maybe I'd still be in Arizona, yeah. Um, I don't know. I don't know what it would look like because I will say, and I didn't think about this before, but like one thing that Harlan did bring me and like teach me was like no fear. Like, I mean, if you really think about it, like I lived in Phoenix the majority of my life. And not on a whim, but like I had an opportunity for a job, and it's something that was like kind of what I did, but kind of a bigger deal. And they were like, I think you should go for it. And it moved me, you know, to northern Arizona, several hours away, um, living in a totally different climate. And you did that as a single mom with two kids, right? Yeah, that's huge. Yeah. And then I decided to come here. And that's also I didn't know that. I thought you came here like with someone, like as part of a marriage or something, and that's how you ended up here. I didn't know you took that leap by yourself. That's phenomenal. I mean, had it been with your kids, yeah. Yeah, like I mean, yes, I was married when I moved here. Um, but I mean, it had it been up to him, I don't know if he would have chosen to come out here. Yeah. But I was like, no. But it was for your job though, right? Was it that No, I took a job. I took a job, or I applied for a job and got it um moving out here, but I wanted to come here. Yeah. Like it's just so random from Arizona, like, why here? I don't know. I don't know. But you were, you know, that is kind of an Arlen thing to do. It's like, let's just do it and see what happens. And that's that's what we did. And I do recall Arlen, he would tell me, like, even like when he was little, um, after you know, my me and my second husband split, I remember him like just telling me, like, mom, like it's okay. Like, you have you have me. Like, so it's fine. Like, don't worry about it. And like, he's just a little kid, yeah. But he was like, you don't need like everything you need is right here. Yeah. And that's amazing. What did it feel like when Arlen walked into a room? Like it filled with like so much energy that you're like, oh my god, like he was just loud. Like, even just like as a person, even when he was quiet, yeah. He was loud. Um, because you could like feel it. And I think I I think I've told you the story. I mean, when you like walk in after school, just hey mom. Yeah. And like sometimes I still get that like feeling, yeah, that he's like burst in, hi mom. And obviously he hasn't, but like I can feel that and feel it, yeah. Who did you become around him? Probably a little bit more fun. I just think I had no choice but to be. Yeah, I I well, I will say, yeah, I've probably more fun. I I think I've lost a little bit of that, yeah, you know, since then, but I I think I I was a little bit more relaxed before. What kind of fun things would you do with them? It's not even that like I would like do you know fun things because again, I was a single mom. Like I was broke. Yeah, it was like broke, broke. Both like both times I was a single mom. It was hard. Um, but I mean, like, I would just like we would be outside together. We would um have movie nights, and like we had specific movies that we watched. Like I posted about Crybaby, yeah, that was one of Arlene's favorites. Oh, was it? Yes, probably highly inappropriate for a child, but like it was but we knew all the songs and we would sing them. And like I remember dancing in my living room, you know, dancing in my kitchen, like our home was filled with so much like joy, and that's it's not the same anymore. And I know like some people be like, well, you know, it's just like but like that hasn't come back, and it's not that we're not feeling joy, because we do, but it is a much quieter joy than it used to be, and so I guess in some ways, like I didn't even realize at the time that that was him that brought that, yeah. That was his birth big personality and all the space he took up, yeah, kind of demanded that kind of yeah. I I remember um that first like several weeks talking to Kyle about how quiet our family was without him, and and we still are, yeah. Like that is something that he brought to the table. He was big and loud, and we'll never have that again, you know, it'll never be the same. June 23rd comes back every year. What do you do with it? What does it look like for your family? Well, I mean, it's only been a couple years so far, and so um the first year we we couldn't even be here. I mean, we we didn't even stay in town, we we went to Florida and did all the things that we thought like Harlan would want to do, and uh and that was really fun. Um, and I think that that was a good trip. Obviously, not realistic to do that every single year. So um last year I had a hard time deciding what we were gonna do, and um, I ended up buying the purple light bulbs, yeah, and I put them out on the porch for anybody to take and um display on his birthday.
SPEAKER_01You had a post on the neighborhood page, and a bunch of people came and got them.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and there was, I mean, the amount of purple light bulbs I saw um that day or leading up to his birthday was really special. It was really cool. We could see them all the way down the street. Yeah, that was, I mean, just amazing. Um I want to see that again. Yeah, I think that was amazing. But what was even more amazing to me is that people were doing that in other states. Oh wow, I didn't know that. So um cousins and family members, they saw my post and so they they did the same thing. Oh, that's so special. Yeah, I didn't know that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02What do you want his birthday to feel like? It's like something I'm really struggling with, honestly. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do. Um like Mother's Day, it's really hard now. Yeah. Um and I did nothing. Um I think like that's kind of where I'm at with his birthday too, you know, because I just don't know what to do. It's really hard. It's a really hard day. Um this year is a really hard year. He'll be 13, that's a big deal, and he's not here. Um So I don't know. Maybe ask me next year. What do you think he would want to do on his 13th birthday? He'd probably want to go back to Atlanta or something. Something ridiculous. Um take a trip. Yeah, he'd probably want to do something or he's booshy as hull. So I mean, like, he would want to like seafood, seafood, get him some like really expensive sneakers and probably a jersey on like see an NBA game. Like um, I don't think that I can do probably any of those things. Yeah. Um the way I feel. But uh what if you even couldn't do it with him here, but you still want to celebrate? How would you celebrate even if you couldn't afford all of those things? What would he do? Like if you said, you know, we really can't afford all that, we have to have something at home. Well, so what we have always done for the kids for their birthday is the day of their birthday, they get to pick whatever it is that they want me to make, and I make it for them. And we have cake, just the family. And that's something quiet and intimate with everybody. Yep. Yep. Ella always picks big, um, Arlen generally picks seafood or meatloaf.
unknownI don't know.
SPEAKER_02He really likes food I hate so much. I don't know why. He loved my meatloaf. Oh, okay. Yeah, meatloaf with mashed potatoes, which is hilarious because when he was little he didn't actually like mashed potatoes, which we all thought was just bizarre. Like, who doesn't like mashed potatoes? I know, it's so simple and easy, and it seems to be a crowd pleaser. Yeah, when he was like this big. Hated them, like hated them. Um but he loved it as he got older. Um, so we would do that. And then as they got older, like the kids always had the choice between like you can have a party or we can have like one or two friends, and like you will go and do something.
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_02So like City Forum was like a big one that they did um several years in a row. But I would say like we he probably would convince us to like maybe go to Memphis and watch a game or um something. I'm like, do they have NBA games right now? They they still do, because it's like the finals, isn't it? I don't know. Isn't that like March? March Madness? No, March Madness is that's college though. Oh, I don't know. I have no idea. I'm pretty sure the NBA Finals is going on now. Okay, you could be right. Which would make it like a really expensive birthday. Yeah. But yeah, I feel like that would be like something like cool. So maybe I need to find a basketball game that's not in the end, yeah. Well, also Pete, maybe. Maybe, maybe. But um, yeah, I I think he would want to do something sports related because that's that's what he was all about. Would he wake up extra early on his birthday and like wake everyone else up or would you sleep in? No. I was actually like again reading through the questions. Um he wasn't a morning person. And so like that was like the one thing that him and Kyle would like figure about with like the Kobe Bryant like being doing his plan, and part of that plan was waking up at I don't know, 5 a.m. or 6 a.m. or something like that to start training. And Kyle would be like, you're never, never gonna make it because you are never waking up at 6 a.m. He wasn't wrong. Arlen, I have the amount of videos I have of art like trying to wake Arlen up, and he just was not a morning person. But neither am I, yeah. So, you know, it's fine. I I'll stay in bed as long as I possibly can. What do you think he'd want for breakfast on his birthday? Did you have a traditional thing for him or did that change too? We really didn't have like a traditional like breakfast, and in all reality, like I'm I'm not really a breakfast person. And so um the kids learned early on how to they were they were taught how to make their own breakfast and they were in charge of making their own breakfast.
SPEAKER_00If he's making his own birthday breakfast, he was probably making his own birthday breakfast or he would ask sometimes for something special.
SPEAKER_02So like French toast was one that he really liked his birthday breakfast. Yeah, and he but my grandma, my grandma, his grandma, my mom, um, she would like make the French toast and then she would freeze it so that he could have a French toast anytime he wanted. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, so she would like make it a head and then put it back into the the bag. Like it was fully cooked and everything, so then he'd just put it in the toaster or what? Okay. Okay, cool. And so like he would make his own French toast. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's a good idea.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Alright, what songs is he playing all day? Tupac, and then Tupac and them, uh Snoop Dogg. Um I don't know. I'm trying to think of some of the other biggie. Um That's a fantastic playlist. I think he's really good taste in music. I know like I can't I can't even. Kendrick Larr. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. He would have gone crazy for the Super Bowl show. Oh yeah. Oh, he would have been like, this is amazing. Um, how much money is he convincing everyone to spend on him? As much as he possibly can. Absolutely. Thousands of dollars, hopefully. What would make him declare this is the best birthday ever? So I know it wasn't his birthday, but when we went to Atlanta, and it's interesting because generally, like his favorite trip was always Florida. And like I would still say, like, overall, he loved going to Florida. Yeah. But the year that we went to Atlanta, well, I mean, it was October before he passed. Um we I I don't even know how it happened, but the trip became like Arlen's dream trip. We went to two NBA games, we went to an NFL game, we went to this like really fancy underground um sneaker store. It was like elite, yeah, and he got a pair. Um we went to essentially like an assembly food hall, but in Atlanta. Um we went to uh Ted Montana's for dinner. Arlen's request, of course. I mean, like, it just turned into all these things that he wanted to do. Everybody had a blast. And like that kind of makes sense if you think about it. It's like just give him the reins. Like, he's gonna make sure we all have a great time, and he did, but like I he declared that like that was the best trip ever. And it was the last trip we had with him. Yeah. So even in more ways, it's yeah, very meaningful. Um, but I mean, I don't even know how I'd outdo that. Right. Like, how would you outdo that? You might not ever.
SPEAKER_01I might not because he likes big, he likes grand, he likes full throttle. Gotta do it all. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_02In like this lunch. Yeah. What do you think he would want for for you? He'd want me to smile. I know he would. Um, I know he would want me to think about having memories versus you know where we are today or who we were in those first days. Um I don't know if I am going to be able to give him that. And um however I am, I think I really do think he knows.
SPEAKER_01I'm doing my best. Yeah, he absolutely does. What about Kyle and Ella and Archer?
SPEAKER_02I think we all are really struggling this year. Yeah. Um, I mean, we we know Ella is, that's part of why she didn't want to have her birthday. Yeah, they always, when they were yet little, they would share um birthday parties and would kind of hold it like right in between the two. So like a week and a half after Ella, a week and a half before Arwen. Um and so like her birthday brings some of that up. And um I mean Kyle's really struggling. And I mean maybe maybe Archer's the only one who's doing okay. But I don't think it's him yet that you know his father's birthday. You know, him and Archer are both born on the 23rd. And so like sometimes um like Archer talks about that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And like thinks that it's like really cool that him and Arlen share share the 23rd neighbor. And there's a Laker player, yes, 23. That um yeah. So wasn't that Michael Jordan's number too? Yeah, yeah. So yeah. Yeah. Um, but it's I don't know, it's it's just really hard. It's really hard, like knowing that he never made it to 13. Um, knowing that we still have to do this for a really long time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Um, that this is I don't know, just another birthday that we have to do without him. Like it's it's literally the third birthday. And I have about 40 more of them. You know, we were talking in another episode about that feeling of overwhelm and how um, you know, looking at the whole thing is too much. And sometimes it's easier, oftentimes it's easier to just look at the next, the next moment, the next best decision, the next whatever. So if you could just do, I mean, you not even on a grand scale, because we know how grand he was, and and all the bells and whistles and everything, but if you could just do one thing different this year than what you've done in the last couple years, and one thing special, what do you think he would want, or what do you think you could do this year?
SPEAKER_02I really, really um, so I've been thinking about this. And I don't know, um, I wanted to give people an opportunity to, I guess, like, I don't know, like say something, but I couldn't like figure it out, and I don't want I don't want people to say a bunch of things to me that day. Like I know what I am and am not capable of, and that is not one of them. But I thought about um, you know, like people do like the paper um not lanterns, but like the loot luminaries, like you just use a paper bag, yeah, yeah, the tea light in it. Like they do, they do that for like cancer, um, what is that? Um there's like a big cancer walk and the light the walkway with those little luminaries, yeah. But I was like, what if yeah, what if we like put them on the sidewalk right in front of the house? And like little messages or something, yeah, yeah. But I don't know. I feel like if there's not a ton of them, then that'll make me really sad. And so I'm like nervous to put something out there. Which sounds really weird, but I don't know. To me, well the entire world should know about him and should have a message, but like that's unrealistic. But that is how I feel.
SPEAKER_01I think that would be cool.
SPEAKER_02You don't even have to put messages. I mean, you could just even put luminaries out there and you know.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Will you help me?
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. I think we should do it over crab legs.
SPEAKER_00You'd like that.
SPEAKER_01Then that's exactly what we'll do.
SPEAKER_02Happy birthday, Arwen. Thanks for giving us a reason to celebrate. Some people leave fingerprints. Arwen left hand prints all over the lives of people who love him. And every year, somehow, they keep growing. Happy birthday, dude. Thanks for celebrating with us today. We'll see you next week.