Becoming Burnham
A blended family, big feelings, mental health days, and grief that shows up uninvited. Becoming Burnham is messy, honest, healing, and very us.
Becoming Burnham
26 - Everything Feels Overwhelming Lately
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Most of us were never taught how to balance being strong with actually letting ourselves rest. We learned how to push through, how to show up, how to hold it together. And for a lot of people that becomes the only setting they know. So when the overwhelm starts building, we just keep going because that's what we do.
In this episode Kristina and Kat talk about what it looks like when you've been strong for so long that asking for help feels foreign, why rest only feels okay when you've earned it, and what it actually looks like to make a change that sticks. Not a whole new routine… just one intentional thing that starts protecting your energy before it's already gone.
This is one of those conversations that might make you feel seen in a way you weren't expecting. If that sounds like something you need, this one's for you.
Welcome back to Becoming Burnham. I'm Christina. I'm here with Kat, and we are glad you're here today. So, full disclosure before we dive in, we actually sat down and recorded this entire episode five weeks ago. But when we got to the editing phase, we realized the microphones were completely turned off. So at first we were devastated, but looking back, it made the theme of this episode even more true. Because in the five weeks since, life has piled on in ways neither one of us expected. We've both been deep in it, overwhelmed, just trying to get through the day, which means we needed this episode more the second time around than we did the first. So it feels a bit like destiny that we're re-recording this now because we are getting into something today that we don't always talk about. Just that low grade, heavy overwhelm that just kind of lives in the background. Not a sudden crisis, not a public breakdown, just that deep feeling of running on absolute empty, where you start looking at your entire life and wondering if you should just flip the table and walk away. Would you say you've been feeling that on a deeper level these past few weeks yourself? Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01The amount of times Kyle and I have said we're just gonna sell the house and move to Florida and live in Disney World is ridiculous.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00So what are your personal signs when you've reached that point? Do you get more, more irritable? Do you get more tired, more checked out?
SPEAKER_01I would say the first, the first thing I notice is I do get irritable, but it's not so much that I'm more irritable or getting more irritable more often. It is that I can't come back from it. Yeah. That's what I notice is if something does make me upset, all of a sudden, like I can't let it go. Yeah. And I just want to like continue to like beat that dead horse of this upset me. Yeah. And this is why. And I want to just talk about it so many times.
SPEAKER_00You're not as resilient as you normally are.
SPEAKER_01No, not at all. I do get pretty tired as well. Yeah. I'm, I mean, yeah, that one's, I think that's everybody though.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I noticed that too, that you hit that point and it it almost feels like the only way you can come back is by just taking a nap or vegging out, or just hit that point where you can't try any harder. You just have to stop. Yes. Does it tend to hit you more emotionally or physically first? Emotionally. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I would say emotionally for sure. Generally speaking, I continue to do, which I know we were going to talk about how terrible that is. But I am normally on that spectrum of everything I'm going to keep going. Yeah. As long as it's stressful when I stop, is actually normally a sign that the situation is done. And over because it definitely confuses Kyle when we might have something happen and then two weeks later I'm crying. Yeah. And he's like, Why are you crying now? It's over. And I'm like, but it's the first time I felt like I can.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. You've been dealing with it, busy dealing with it before. I do get those physical symptoms too. I'll feel it in my body. Not my neck, but right below my neck or in my shoulders. I'll feel it there. Sometimes my low back, I can feel it, or my even my hips, which are all places where people, women especially, tend to hold a lot of stress. So if I'm not dealing with it, I'll feel it.
SPEAKER_01Hip pain was from paramenopause. Well, that too. Is it stress or paramenopause?
SPEAKER_00Which is why it's a more female symptom, I guess. What's the first thing you stop doing when things get overwhelming or when life starts piling up on you? Cooking.
SPEAKER_01I find the act of cooking, and it's so interesting because I really do enjoy cooking. Yeah. I love to cook. However, when I'm really, really overwhelmed, I think the entire idea, everything that's involved with cooking, I have to plan the meal. I have to go buy the meal. I have to actually cook the meal. I have to serve the meal. Then I have to clean up after the meal. Like it's just too much. Yep. And so that is the first thing to go for me. Yeah. I would say that is probably a really good indicator. If you've heard me say that I've had takeout more than one day in a row, I'm probably not okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And even with the meal kits that you do, that can take out a lot of the heavy lift for planning, shopping, you know, all that stuff, but you still have to prepare. And then it's it's the all the steps involved with the meal itself. Wash the vegetables, cut the vegetables, and and trying to manage all that with an already full brain and overloaded system.
SPEAKER_01It's so funny because for me, with the meal kits, when I when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I am, I will, I won't even be able to decide which meal which one. Yeah. I'll look at them and I'm just, oh, I don't even know what I want. I don't even know which one I of these that I want to cook.
SPEAKER_00And that's where it ends, right there. That is part of it, is that decision fatigue. I can't even make one more decision. Even if it was going out to eat, where do you want to go eat? I have no idea. Just pick somewhere and tell what time are you coming over today, Christina? I have no idea. Just tell me what time, because I can't even get out of bed right now. I didn't end up having to tell you time. You didn't. You didn't. I did get myself. You were. You were in bed. I was stuck for a minute. Yeah. When I said, hey, what are we doing today? And here's what I think also makes it worse is we often don't even stop until we're beyond the point of where we should have stopped. Like we don't stop, we just keep going. And even when we feel it building, we keep going until we hit that point where we cannot anymore. So I guess that's another question I've been thinking about then is why do we ignore it for so long? Why do we ignore it until it gets to a point where someone has to take a leave of absence just to breathe or you know, everything comes crashing down around us?
SPEAKER_01Because if we ignore it long enough, I think the hope is that it'll just go away and then we won't have to deal with it. Because as soon as you recognize it, say it out loud, all the things, you have to deal with it. And the dealing with it is often really scary and generally a lot of work. And that seems almost overwhelming in itself. And so if we just pretend it's not happening long enough, maybe it will go away.
SPEAKER_00I don't think it ever has for me. It does not still keep reaching the point of no return.
SPEAKER_01Yes. It's probably that's probably a sign that you have something that you need to deal with that you haven't dealt with. Yes. I mean, just a thought. Some deep emotional childhood trauma. I know.
SPEAKER_00I know. So we just keep applying the same strategy that we used to use back then. Just no eye contact. No. Yeah, it'll be fine. Put a blanket over you. Have you ever felt guilty for needing rest?
unknownI know.
SPEAKER_01What mom hasn't, because our kids need us. You know, and they they always need us at all times for something. Even when they don't, yeah, you know, it could be as simple as, I don't know where this is. And you're like, you live here too. You know where this is. It's an insane spot ever. And I when you were here, we were filming last time. Kyle was looking for aluminum foil.
SPEAKER_00Yes, that was that was great.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00And where was it? In the cabinet where he was looking, but on the other side, I think.
SPEAKER_01No, it was exactly where I told him.
SPEAKER_00I know, but like he had the cab, I think I it seemed like he had the left door open and he was looking and looking, and you explained where it was. And then you go over and you open the right door. Yes.
SPEAKER_01And there it was. It was right there. But it's just, I don't know. I think that for moms specifically, we are needed. And so therefore resting, that means that something's not getting done. Yeah. And so of course we feel guilty because what determines what should or shouldn't be the thing that we let go? And cooking for me, I feel like that's a nobody's nobody's gonna get hurt or I can always other things people can eat if you're not cooking a meal. Yes. So but what if what if a kid is sick when you're experiencing that overwhelm? What do you do? Right. When you are literally so down that you can't the idea of even getting out of bed is hard, but you have a kid that's puking, right?
SPEAKER_00You're gonna get out of bed. That's one of those things you don't have. Someone's getting out of bed. Yeah. You don't have an option. No, not at all. Kid or animal.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah. Yeah. Like this one, this one right here.
SPEAKER_00What do you think pushing through costs you on the other side of it? So not giving yourself that permission to rest and pushing, pushing, pushing.
SPEAKER_01I think it in a lot of ways, I think it makes it worse. And uh for two reasons. One, I think that when we're operating truly with less to give, we make mistakes in our life, you know, generally with relationships. And so, you know, if I'm operating on empty, and so I get irritable and I decide to pick a fight with Kyle because I'm irritable, it has really nothing to do with what's happening. Yeah. Maybe what he did, sure, is annoying or something like that. Yeah. But like, would it have turned into a big fight if I wasn't on empty? Right. Probably not. Yeah. And so like we're making it worse, but we're also making it bigger. And so, like, that's the other thing too. I think I've talked about this like with my therapist. Like, she has me like name it and like describe it and it makes it feel smaller. Yeah. The more we ignore it, the bigger and bigger and bigger it actually gets. Versus, hey, if we acknowledge what's happening, it's actually getting smaller.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. You talked about that also with Kyle. You were you had an analogy about the trash can and like putting the trash in and putting more and putting more until it overflows. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I think to me, that is, I mean, I think a lot of people do it. I do I feel like I notice it more with the men in my life because Kyle does it, my dad does it. Um, and it's the trash can syndrome. Like you literally are putting things in and at some point your trash can overflows and you have to take out the trash. Yeah. But like we have a tendency, what do we do? We push it down so we can put more in. Yeah. And we keep doing that. But eventually, like your whole bag explodes. Yeah. And better hope that you're not, you know, in range when that happens because it's normally really ugly. Yeah. And so you have to take out your trash.
SPEAKER_00There's a lot of advice out there that that sounds great and doesn't really do anything. You know, people will say, well, self-care, you just need some self-care. Like, I I can only take so many baths and I can only get so many massages, and that doesn't necessarily fix the problem. I mean, it might help ease some of the strain I feel in the muscles, but um, it doesn't always get to the core of really what's going on. Um, what's something small you do that actually resets you? Well, let me, I want to go back a little bit.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Because there's something that I learned after losing Arlen that I didn't know before. Okay. And so all of the things that they talk about for self-care, it is to lower your cortisol levels, right? Okay. Well, what they don't talk about is if you have high cortisol levels or even just elevated for a long period of time, all of those tricks no longer work. Or at least they don't work permanently. Yeah. It's a temporary fix. Yeah. And so that's where it gets kind of sticky because you're like, how do I lower it? Like always. Yeah. And generally that's much bigger work than just I washed my face today.
SPEAKER_00Or I wouldn't go to the face. Especially if you're in a constant overwhelm state. Yes. So you have a massage on a Saturday and you go right back to it on a Monday. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But I think that's also why it's even more important that, hey, when you start to feel that, you've got to deal with it because if you if you prolong it, here we are with these elevated cortisol levels. If I go do yoga once a week, it's not gonna fix it. Right. Where if I dealt with it, maybe my one yoga class would do it. Yeah. Yeah. Or the facial. The facial sounds really nice right now, actually. I know it does. We'll do that next week.
SPEAKER_00So, what other things do you do then to reset yourself or find that I don't know, self-care that helps you move through the overwhelm.
SPEAKER_01So um, one thing that I have recently started is um I have a very strict facial routine. So I have my, they're like these two, I don't know, Korean toner pad thingy mobs. And I like I have one for nighttime and I have one for daytime. It's essentially the same thing. It's the toner, wash face toner, and then lotion. Um, but there's two different kinds. But even just the idea that there's two different kinds, I like feel I'm making the fancier than it really needs to be. Um so I make sure that I do that. And when I do that, it's like even though it doesn't take long, it's like two minutes, right? Maybe three because I have to dry my face. It's it is quiet. I don't have to think about anything, it becomes second nature. And I think that that's really why it works. And that is kind of the point of self-care, is almost to turn your brain off for a second, to give it a break to heal, yeah, whatever that looks like. And so you need the quiet. And um, it's funny because like sometimes Kyle will want to talk to me while I'm doing my while you're swiping your feet. And so like I've waited until he's fallen asleep and then I'll go up and like do it after he falls asleep. So then that way it is quiet and I get that reset time. But then I also do jujitsu and that really helps a lot because I mean, I'm I'm I'm dying out there. Yeah. Okay. I am, you know, rolling with 15, 16-year-old girls who are really strong and they've been doing this a long time, and they're really, really good, and they can choke me out in like two seconds. And so you're you can't think about anything except for literal survival. And that helps a lot.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah, it gets you out of your own head a little bit big time. I this one sounds pretty simple too, but sometimes I'll just go outside, not not for a walk, not a big, you know, exercise fit or anything, but just standing in the air for a few minutes, I think that kind of helps me to, I don't know, breathing different air or feeling a different temperature on my body is just kind of like a like a second wind sometimes.
SPEAKER_01There is science behind that, yeah, with the temperature thing. Uh-huh. Um, it is, I can't remember the whole thing about it, but if you're feeling low or that disconnect, because that's kind of what it is. Yeah. If you say jumped into like the pool, oh yeah, um, it's supposed to like almost snap you back into like reconnecting with yourself.
SPEAKER_00Well, there's you know, this whole movement for like cold plunges and things too, or even the different temperatures where you do the hot and then the cold.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. I I'm I think it's kind of wild, something's so simple. But I would think kind of shock your nervous system. Yeah. But even just being outside is so grounding.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it is. And I have these, I like petunias. I can't keep everything alive. I think we've had this conversation. I like plants that talk to me. And petunias are one of those because they the flower just kind of dies and crumbles, and then you can deadhead it and pick it off. So I'll go out there and just pick the dead flowers off. And I don't know, it's something that I can feel immediate satisfaction from, and I'm out in the air. And you don't have to think all that hard about it either. No, not at all. It's dead, yes or no. You know, my therapist would call that self-care. Yeah.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Like a thousand things. I think I just just kind of go out there and like eat one with my flowers.
SPEAKER_01So I I don't know why I haven't thought about this before. And I don't even know if I've ever told you about this. But when I was going through my divorce with Dan, I did a lot of things. I literally made a list of things that I wanted to do and accomplish before I even consider dating again. Yeah, like a bucket list for like my love life. Yeah. But one of the things on my list was doing a barefoot hike. And I did it. Yeah. And it was the most amazing thing that I've ever done. It was really hard because you're hiking with no shoes on. That's horrible. I feel like there's probably simpler ways to get the same effect. But burning the calories, coming, sweating, being in the sun, and feeling like the earth between my toes. It was probably one of the most amazing experiences.
SPEAKER_00Well, even jujitsu, because there are so many things that could go wrong with being barefoot on a hike, you have to get out of your head again. You have to be present in that moment, just like you do with jujitsu, so somebody doesn't choke you out, you know. Which is what I've kind of alluded to with the hot yoga too, is like, you know, when you're in something that's so uncomfortable and so, you know, you have to be so careful not to make a mistake. One wrong step could, you know, result in something serious happening to you. You have no choice but to be present in that moment. And you can't be ruminating on all these other things that are going wrong. So that makes a lot of sense.
SPEAKER_01It does. I mean, ruminating when we drive home. Yeah. And you don't like, you don't remember the drive at all. Right, right. How dangerous is that?
SPEAKER_00It is. But we all I end up on the highway once. That I don't live off the highway. No, you we we we do not. No. No, we're near the highway. No. Do you notice a difference for yourself between real rest and just avoidance? Because you were talking a little bit earlier too about we just keep hoping it will go away. So, like avoidance versus rest.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I would say if I did know the difference, I probably would stop doing it. Probably. I don't know. I do think that I it's almost like it just continues to build. And so instead of like it being a difference, it's not really a difference, it's just that it's getting worse and worse. I'm getting more and more tired, I'm getting more and more easily irritated.
SPEAKER_00Avoidance leads to the need for rest.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. I mean, your body is telling you you need to stop, you need to let yourself stop. And ignoring it, it only means your body's gonna be working.
SPEAKER_00And probably in bigger ways. Yeah. So that kind of makes me think about boundaries too, then. Um, do you have any boundaries in place that have made a difference for you?
SPEAKER_01I don't think I'm very good at boundaries. Honestly. Now that I think about it in real time, I probably should work on that. I would say so. Working from home, I probably probably the number one boundary I have in my life is I have had to learn how to turn it off. Because when you work from home, you're always working.
SPEAKER_00Everything's blurred.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And we no longer have, I've shut the door in my office, I've gotten in my car and I've gone home. And I don't have access to the computer anymore. Yes. And so working from home, like this is I literally sit here. I have a little travel desk and I sit right here and I work. Yeah. And so how do you relax in the same place that you were? Yeah. And that's really hard. And so it's taken me years to figure it out. But what I do, and it it is kind of wasteful for time, but it's like an actual act that makes me turn it off. I pack up my computer in a computer bag every day. Yep. The whole thing.
SPEAKER_00You've literally created a physical boundary. Yes.
SPEAKER_01It goes in the bag, I like wrap up my power cord, put the mouse away, the whole nine yards, and then I put it. So a lot of times it's in the pantry, but sometimes I'll put it upstairs where it's completely out of sight, out of mind, because that's essentially me leaving the building.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it is. But I need that. It's it's very it's not a visual reminder because it's out of your sight, but it is in that symbolic. It's out of sight, symbolic. Yeah, that's a good way to say it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So it's probably that's probably my best boundary that I have is separating work from home.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. The boundary question is is interesting to me too, because I used to think of boundaries as just not doing something, not working, not showing up for something, you know, saying no. But um this year I learned to think about it a little bit differently too. And I started noticing that um, just with the the overwhelm at work, by Wednesday, my body was just hurting, like up in the neck area and my back area. And then genuinely sitting at the computer was just locking my body up and I was sore and I was tense. And in the beginning, I could go and I could get a massage on a Saturday, and that hurt helped for a while. Um, but at some point, I mentioned earlier, even that stopped being enough. So I mentioned it to my massage therapist. And she was like, well, you just need to schedule something on Wednesdays then. But I couldn't get all the way across town to her on a Wednesday with the limited hours and balancing with my work schedule. And so I had just discovered hot yoga, and I was like, you're right, I should just go to hot yoga on Wednesday. And so now I have started scheduling that hot yoga class every Wednesday, and it's become a non-negotiable. And that's my boundary, not with another person, but with my own week. And it's it's not saying no. I mean, I guess it is to external things, but to myself, it's saying yes. Like your boundary is that you need something for yourself on a Wednesday to break up, you know, that that sedentary piece. So I love it though, because it's not just about the workout, it's about the heat and um feeling like I can't be anywhere else but in that moment. Yeah, I can't be stuck in my head and I can't be stuck and cramped behind a computer. I have to be like opening my muscles and and stretch is probably really fantastic too. Absolutely. And like with the heat.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. But with massage releasings and things that I would think that yoga is the same. I mean, that's part of why you keep talking about it. I'm like, well, maybe I maybe I need to yoga.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Which, yeah. And it, I mean, if you're in the really hot, hot one, it's kind of taking a barefoot hike. You better pay attention, or you're slipping right off your own body or right off your mat. You know, you've got to be so present because it's hot.
SPEAKER_01It's 104 degrees for some of the you walk in, it's just like you're like literally paying to stay inside of a sauna for an hour.
SPEAKER_00And move your body while you're doing it. Yes. I don't know. Yes. So what would you say to someone who feels like they're barely holding it together, you know, in that period of overwhelm and they're shoving everything down further?
SPEAKER_01I'd probably say a couple things. The first thing that comes to mind, which is just really funny because I made it, I made a TikTok about it. I did my TikToks yesterday. You know how I like doing batches, and it is Disney life advice. Okay. Okay, stick with me. Because they're actually pretty good. Um, but one of them is about uh finding Nemo, so Dory, right? And just keep swimming, just keep swimming. And I talk about how you don't have to know everything. You don't have to know exactly how the story is gonna end. You don't have to know the 10 steps between now and then. Yeah, you don't have to know everything right now, you just have to get through today. Yeah. Or even sometimes the next hour. Yeah. You know, and that's okay. And I think that the I think all of us just we're so focused on the future that it does make the right now very overwhelming. And sometimes I think we have to dial it back. Yeah. So kind of simplify things. But from the flip side, I don't want that to be confused with ignoring, you know, what the real work that needs to be done. Yeah. And I think that we probably do need to pay better attention to hey, do I maybe I need to go to therapy? Like we're both in therapy. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Or maybe I need to add some sort of self-care or something that's for me. Or I don't know, it could even look like we order pizza once a week. Yeah. You just so that you have that off of your plate and that break. Yeah. You you still have to make sure you're paying attention. And I guess that is really my advice is we all need to do better about listening to our body and what it's telling us. Because I think we're all so prone to just be like, I'm just tired, or my body's just sore because I'm in paramenopause, or all these different excuses, when really like the root of it is, I don't know, you probably have something they haven't dealt with. Yeah. So maybe, maybe take a minute, deal with it so that you can stop feeling like that. Yeah. At least for a little while.
SPEAKER_00But I like what you said too about even you didn't explicitly say breaking it into smaller chunks, but like just keep going to the next day, or maybe it's just the next hour. Um, I have a sign at work that says something to the effect of what's the next best decision you can make. So when you're feeling so overwhelmed, you don't have to get from A to Z in that moment, but you do need to get from A to B. So kind of scaling back, like you said, and and looking at a more manageable chunk.
SPEAKER_01I would say after losing Arlen, and nobody understood entirely because we lost our son, but we also lost our home. So we're trying to rebuild a home. And probably one of the best things that happened was Rick Rita, he he took care of all the decision making. What your experience was was way different than my experience because I didn't have to decide really anything. Yeah. And at the time, I didn't think a whole lot about it. But for a while, anything outside of tomorrow was way too much for me. Like the idea that I'm I don't know, I'm gonna live another 40-ish years without my kid, that just even just break away. Just break just holy crap. How is that even? I can't do that. Yeah. But I can I can make it to tomorrow. Yeah. And probably the next day. And sometimes that looks like I could do next month. Yeah. But travel. That's why I travel as much as I do. And normally when we travel, I have the next trip on the books because that's how I've managed to get from like one month to six months. I still haven't quite gotten to like, hey, I'll make it to next year. Yeah. But I have managed to like, I'll make it to my next trip. Yeah. And I mean, I'm sure there's other ways of arcing something in the calendar to be able to get there.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, but it gives you, it gives you something to look forward to. It gives you the the thing you need to make it to, that point in time. Yeah. One of the most helpful things anyone ever did for me when I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed was just as simple as that. She said, you know, just tell me what feels so overwhelming right now, not it's gonna be okay, or have you tried this? Have you tried that? Just to just tell me what it is. And we started breaking it down together and really looking at what was actually on my plate and what needed to happen first and what could wait. And just helping me see it in smaller pieces made it feel survivable in a way that didn't five minutes before that, because I was looking at everything. And that made me think of that saying, Are you how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. But when you're overwhelmed, you can't see anything but the elephant. And it just sits there and it's it feels impossible. And sometimes all it takes is one person reminding you that all you need to do is take that first bite. Just just one, just one bite, not solving it for you, just helping you see that there is one thing you can do next, the next best decision that you can make. What would you tell your past self during a really overwhelmed season? What did you need to hear that nobody said?
SPEAKER_01I mean, I I'm sure people did say it. And honestly, if somebody said this to me, even though it is exactly what I would need to hear, or at least not just here, but no, is it will pass. You will make it through. There's nothing. There's nothing that we can't do. Doesn't mean that it's not really hard. Yeah. Doesn't mean that it doesn't suck or that it's unfair or that it's not unfair, but you can. I'm here. I didn't think I was gonna make it to December 10th, 2023. Yeah. But here we are. I don't know what the date is before I'd say it out loud. A couple years later. Well, is it June 6th? I'm like, what is today date? Today's 7th. 2026. I've made it. But on December 9th, 2023, I didn't think I would. Yeah. And had somebody told me like you're gonna get through this, especially wise, I would have been like, shut the hell up. Yeah. But had I truly believed that I would, I think that would have helped. But again, not don't don't make me feel invalidated. Yeah. Like my feelings matter and it is really hard and it does really suck. But I'm here. Yeah. And that's enough.
SPEAKER_00I think sometimes too, we we wait to ask for help because we don't want to be a burden on somebody else. Um, but we if we sit and think about the last time someone came to us needing something, did you think they were a burden? Probably not. I mean, if someone is is hurting and sad and in pain or overwhelmed, oftentimes you're you're glad they trust you enough to come to you and feel safe enough to come to you. Um, but we don't we don't always extend that same grace to ourselves and we feel like we're gonna be a burden on somebody else. And so that, you know, I think that's another thing that can lead to that overwhelm is just that feeling that we have to keep it to ourselves, that it's not safe to unpack that with somebody else.
SPEAKER_01It's interesting that you bring this up. Um, yesterday, Kyle sent me a video and it's almost like the opposite side of the worst thing or what will make him, I don't know, spiral or however you want to put it, is thinking that he has to say no to helping somebody. And I'm like, so just listening to you, I'm like, my gosh, it's like most both sides of the same token. We don't ask for help, but at the same time, we don't, we don't want to not help either. Yeah. And sometimes that's at our own detriment as well. Yeah. Because sometimes we should say no. Yeah. Um, but it's just, I just find it so fascinating that so much of what we're experiencing has to do with a lack of safety, I mean emotional safety. I do not feel safe enough to say no or to say yes, or to let you in on my secrets and how I'm feeling. And why is that? Like we should feel safe with each other. Maybe we need to go find safer relationships. I don't know where we can have those conversations.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Well, and ones that are that are mutually beneficial too. Of course, it's it's not a healthy relationship if you're always the the giver and never the receiver. And of course, that can create an imbalance. So maybe it's more balanced relationships. Yeah. What kind of overwhelm feels heavier to you? Emotional, financial, parenting, work, all of it can lead to that decision fatigue. But is there any kind of overwhelm that that feels heavier for you?
SPEAKER_01I I guess probably emotional. That's that's probably the heaviest for me. And I think that that stems from I I don't like to feel a lot. I mean, like and I and I mean that in a million different ways because I don't want to feel like I'm too much. I also don't want to feel every feeling out there. I I like things in their boxes, I do. And so I want to be able to deal with one or maybe two at a time. Yeah. And so too much is sometimes really, really hard for me. And so the emotional piece, but that decision fatigue is so, so hard because I do get to the point where I'm like, I don't even know. Yeah, I don't know what I want. Think about like a notebook.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01What do you want? I don't know. And that's how I feel. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00I think that parenting easily lends itself to the decision fatigue because when you top, when you place the parenting fatigue on top of the work fatigue that you're feeling, and then any emotional fatigue you're feeling on the inside. It's the parenting piece that kind of adds that last, that final piece of straw.
SPEAKER_01And with the parenting piece of it, you're a lot of time you're making a decision that you're not even reaping the rewards of. You don't get to be there when your kid turns in their, I don't know, science project and gets first place. Sure, you get after effect, but we don't know that feeling. But did I have to go and help or help research or help buy supplies or whatever the case may be? So I mean, that to me, that's probably at least a big part of it is I'm helping you make all these decisions in life, and I'm not going to be able to see the reward.
SPEAKER_00Needed everyone to just stop needing something from you? We talked about this on another episode where I was coming home, dogs were attacking me, and everybody needed something at the same time. I often feel touch, just don't touch me. Don't sit next to me, don't you don't talk to me. So sounds are pretty overstimulating for me.
SPEAKER_01Um, and children's voices sometimes I think it's that high-pitched it just pierces. So it's really funny. We when we were driving to um Nashville yesterday, when we first started the drive, Kyle was listening to like because he loves all sorts of kind of music, right? But he was listening to like screamy metal music, which I can't stand. No. But normally I'm okay and whatever. I'm in the car for 10, 15 minutes. Tolerances, yeah. But my tolerance tolerance is lower. Yeah. And so I think we made it to exit 11 before I was, can we listen to anything else? And we're at exit one. Yes, exit one to exit 11. So I was like, can we literally listen to anything else? I can't do this. And Ella piped up in the back seat and was this music is really overstimulating for mom. You should know that. And I was like, oh my god, am I that? Is it that clear and obvious? I guess it is. But that was exactly what she said. And and Archer was in the back and he was clicking his teeth. Oh gosh. And so I had that. Doesn't Sam do that too? Yes. Yeah. And so like there's all these like little noises that I was just like, I need everybody to stop. I just need it all to stop. And Kyle changed the music. To what?
SPEAKER_00What did you go to?
SPEAKER_01Today's hits or something. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00What's the most overwhelmed thing you've ever done? Example, put the milk in the pantry or lost your phone while holding it, or have you ever done the say looking for your glasses and they're right on your face?
SPEAKER_01I mean, those ones I feel like are pretty simple. Um, I I would say like recently, especially, is going into a room and then having no idea why, or opening up my phone. It's generally like, I need to look something up, or I need to check the date on something. And I get there and I'm like, what am I looking for? What was I trying to check? Um, and sometimes I have to like retrace my steps to figure it out. And then I'm like, but sometimes it just doesn't come back to me. Yeah. We went to the store yesterday, we had to get pool chemicals, we had to get three things from the grocery store, and we had to get a water filter for the fridge. And we we were out and we both, both of us, and we were like, Here's something else like that. We are forgetting, and neither of us could remember when we got into the drive room. He was like, the water filter for the fridge. And so while you were here today, yeah, they get in the mail. He's like, I have three now. It's good. But I mean, even just being out, we went to an entire store and didn't know why we were at that store. Yeah. Because it was Lowe's.
SPEAKER_00Okay, cool hack that I just saw on TikTok the other day. Okay. You know how you can put reminders in your phone, you can do lists in your phone or something like that. Okay, well, evidently, well, this is on an iPhone. I don't know if you can do it on your phone, but when you go in and you put those reminders in there, you can also add a location and it'll show you a map. So let's say you were going to Kroger or whatever down the street, you could put the reminder over Kroger and like change the little circle, kind of like when you when you drop somebody a pin or whatever, you can make the circle bigger. So as you get into the radius of Kroger, it will pop your alarm up or your alert and it will remind you of what it is you're supposed to get there. That is genius. I've always done it as like two o'clock or something, you know, put at a time, but maybe I'm not gonna be there at two o'clock and I forget to go in and check. Yeah. So there was a location setting that you could add to your reminders. I'm gonna have to look. That is that is absolute genius. Absolutely, yes. And then with the overwhelmed piece, the one I was thinking of was you know, I what I had just had a really, really overwhelming week at work and I was on my way home, which should be a mindless, a mindless trip. I shouldn't even, I could I should be able to do it blindfolded, honestly. But I think so. Yeah, evidently true. You gotta watch out for all the motorcycles and crazy drivers. But um, I don't know. I took a wrong turn and I I literally ended up on the highway and didn't even realize it until I was like coming up on exit four. And I was like, where am I? I mean, it was like I mean, obviously I was paying attention because I didn't have an accident, but it was like I had blacked out. I don't know if I was just caught up in in all the thoughts and not paying attention and just on autopilot for someone else's route. I don't know what happened. But that was to me, it was like putting milk in the pantry or whatever. And it was it was a crazy one. I it was it was weird, and then I kind of came to it and was like, my God, what am I doing? So, yeah. Well, I think the big idea here is overwhelm doesn't always look like a complete and total collapse. Sometimes it just looks like functioning without really feeling present in your life. And I think noticing the overwhelm is a form of self-awareness, not weakness. So here's what we'll leave you with today. Ask yourself one thing. What can you actually put down this week? Not forever, just for now. Your body already knows the answer, and you've probably been too busy to listen. Tell us what it is, drop it in the comments or shoot us a message. And if someone in your life needed this today, send it to them. Sometimes the most caring thing you can do is just say, Hey, you're not the only one, or I need a break. Take good care of yourself and each other. We'll see you next week.