Becoming Burnham
A blended family, big feelings, mental health days, and grief that shows up uninvited. Becoming Burnham is messy, honest, healing, and very us.
Becoming Burnham
28 - The Generational Plot Twist
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A while back, Kat shared the mind-blowing realization that she discovered she was adopted at thirty-six years old, leaving everyone on the ultimate cliffhanger right at the DNA test. Today, we are breaking the silence on what happened after the spit hit the tube. From mind-bending family ironies and generational adoption echoes to dealing with a chaotic biological father writing from Nevada, we are diving deep into the messy, unfiltered reality of genetic discoveries.
Welcome back to Becoming Burnham. Now that the vacation dust has settled for both of us and we're we're locked into these ep episodes. Okay. Can we start over?
unknownSorry.
SPEAKER_00Hold on. Okay. I can do this.
SPEAKER_01Is it because you look like Islam?
SPEAKER_00Shit. It's because I need to drink this white cloth.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_00Okay. I can do this. You got this. I'm like seeing double because I've been on the computer all day. Okay. Ready? You got it? I got it. Okay. I can do this. Welcome back to Becoming Burnham. Now that the vacation dust has settled and we are both locked in, we are finally tackling the file everyone has been begging us to open. A while back, Kat shared the news that she found out she was adopted and she was 36 years old when she found out. You left everyone hanging right at the moment the spit hit the tube for the DNA test. Let's finally break the silence and talk about what happened next. A lot happened.
unknownA lot.
SPEAKER_00Take us back to the immediate aftermath of that test. Like you're looking at the results. It wasn't just a simple, you know, genealogy reveal like it normally is. Walk us through what you felt, what you thought, what databases you were looking at, um, and and kind of the parallel that your biological dad was um, you know, his own kind of journey on the other end at the on the exact same site, the exact same time. Yeah. How did all that shake out?
SPEAKER_01Well, so, and I can't remember if I mentioned this or not. So I used 23andMe and super awesome if you haven't done it, because like they do like the health testing on that too. So it tells you like what DNA markers you have that make you more susceptible to like, I don't know, high cholesterol or breast cancer. So that's really cool. So you also obviously get your DNA results, and it tells you like where in the country your you know matches are. Yep. And so when I got mine, I was surprised because the majority of my connections were in Texas and Oklahoma. Well, you've got family in Oklahoma, right? So yes and no. My sister, who has a different dad than me, which we already knew that, um, his family lives in Oklahoma. So the family that I have in Oklahoma is not biological. Oh, okay. Okay, so it's like my uncle, but they're not biologically related. It's not weird to me. So it was weird. I see. Yes. Um, and so that was like the immediate red red flag. Yeah because my mom and my dad, or who I thought whom I thought was my dad, are from the East Coast. Like their family is from Maine and Massachusetts and Vermont and New Hampshire and all of that area. So Texas and Oklahoma does not make sense, does not align. No. Um, even though I was born in Oklahoma and all that, because my dad was going to law school there. Okay. Um, so called my mom. She's like, oh, well, you know, your uncle David, he lives in Oklahoma. And who's that? Her brother? That's her brother. Okay. And she's like, so it's probably just people who are related to him. Oh, yeah. And I was like, I accepted it. I was just like, yeah, absolutely. Click. And then I started like thinking more. Well, my sister and I, we did it together because we were trying to like build the family tree essentially, because to us we were like, oh, it'll be easier because we'll be able to see what we have in common and what we don't, yeah, to build it out that way.
SPEAKER_00Did you decide that on your own, or like did other family know you were about to do this?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, everybody knew everybody knew that we were about to do this. So it all stemmed from my grandmother. My grandma um Ericsson, she passed away in um the beginning of 2023 in January. And um she was the one who did all the genealogy stuff in the family. Um, and she had like binders and binders and binders. So, like my sister and I, we went up to Maine and we helped pack up her house and her belongings and all that. And so um, when we came to all the genealogy stuff, we were like, we don't even know how, like, what how do we even go about like digitizing all of this data? And so her and I, we were like, you know what, we're gonna continue this journey, but we're doing it the easy way, and we're doing it through DNA and we're gonna just do it digital because this is crazy. She had an entire room. Did you go through any of her binders? We did, and you never came across anything suspicious there? No, nothing suspicious at all. And so, um, so fast forward, we're like looking through, and so my my mom tells me this, and so I called my sister, and I'm like, hey, like this doesn't really make sense. Like, do we have these people in common? And she said, No. If it's my mom's brother, we would have those people in common. So I was like, okay, wait a second here. So I called my brother, I think it's who I called next. And I was like, make this make sense because my brother's the smartest one in the family. But doesn't he have a different thing? So my brother and I, we thought we had the same dad. And mom. And mom. Okay. And then my sister has a different dad. And so I called him because he's really smart, and I was like, maybe I just like it's not computing properly, like how genetics work. I don't know. And he was like, Yeah, that doesn't really make any sense. And he's like, you know what, I'll call I'll call mom. I'm like, okay, because it's my older brother. I'm like, okay, thanks, Danny. And so he calls my mom, and I swear to God, it was not even like five minutes later that he called me back, and he was like, You have to talk to mom. I can't talk to you. You have to talk to mom. And I was like, What? Like, Danny, what? And he's like, What did she say? He's like, nope, you have to talk to her. I'm pretty sure he hung up on me. Like, yeah, he was just like, nope, not having this conversation. So I called my mom back, and that's when she finally was like, Yeah, um, your dad was not your dad. And apparently I my dad was some some some guy in Oklahoma. And um, she was like, I I don't remember, like I don't remember, you know, any details about him, which also turned out to be a lie. Um, but I was like, well, fine, like I'm gonna just go find all this information information out myself. So 23 me, you can take your DNA profile and you can upload it to other DNA websites so that you can find matches elsewhere. Yeah. It's free to do that.
SPEAKER_02Oh.
SPEAKER_01So I had uploaded it to now, I can't remember if it's myheritage orancestry.com. One of one of them. Yeah. Um, because it hits out like five or six different sites outside of their own. Oh, nice. So I was like, I'll just upload it here and then I can find out, you know, from all these other sites. I got a hit back immediately, like the next day. It was, I did not have to wait at all. And it was like, here's a 99.3% chance that this is your dad. Like, even identified him biologically to how you were related. Absolutely. Like it wasn't like this person's related to you. It was congratulations. He is your father. My very own Maury show. So I was like, okay, well, I guess now I know. And by the way, like I do I do feel a little bit bad for my mom. So, like, as this, you know, like as we found out who he was and all these things, and she was like, honestly, Kat, like, how was I supposed to find him? His name is Barry Smith. Okay, like, how much more generic can you get? What was she gonna do? Look up every Barry Smith in the phone book because we didn't have the internet or nothing. Uh-huh. So yeah, it was um, you know, I was like, okay, I I'm gonna give you a little bit. I mean, like, it's a little bit better than John Smith, but not much. So um, so I found him and it gave me the ability to like, you know, contact him. And so I thought maybe because why was his DNA out there? Right. So I thought, well, maybe he knows about me or has suspicions about me and he's looking for me. No, no, he was not. Oh, so he found out very late in life after his mom had passed away that um he had siblings that were like adopted out of the family. So I don't have all the details on that one, um, but it sounds like potentially maybe during college or something like that, um, she had gotten pregnant and and gave the baby up for adoption. So I do know that older than him, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, it would have been younger than him. So Barry was born, I want to say, their senior year of high school. And um, so his grandparents were very involved in raising him and and all of that. And so he was not adopted out, but then I want to say it was two or two or three uh other kids were. And so he was looking for siblings, is actually what it was. He was not looking for a kid, yeah. Um, had no idea that he had he thought he was sterile, actually. Why was there like medical? So he was married for I think it was about 10 years before he met my mom. Okay, and um he was married and they tried to have children and they never were successful, and then um they got divorced and she got remarried, I guess, like within the year and got pregnant within a year of being married. Oh and so he just got like you know, it was me. I'm sterile, and apparently he lived a very fruitful life um and never got anybody else pregnant, and so I think he just assumed that he just was incapable, yeah. And I have not had any like siblings pop up outside of like my siblings that I know of, yeah. Um, so I don't think that I have anybody out there that was fathered by him. Um, I am his only child. Yeah, so that was crazy. So I did, but I did reach out to him, yeah. And um he lives in Nevada, and um we started talking and decided that we were gonna meet. And how did that go? It was interesting. Um, so we decided to meet in June of 23. Um, I went out to Arizona, he met me there, and um, we stayed at the like the same resort, um, different rooms, obviously, because I don't know this person. Um and we had dinner a few times, we hung out by the pool, the kids got to meet him. Uh, he shared, you know, pictures and stories and um like brought them there. Yeah, because I I took the kid I used to take the kids on vacation once a year, just me and the kids. Um, like a mommy trip with the kids. Yeah. And so that was our trip that year was to Arizona. Oh, okay. Yeah. And so he was in Nevada, so he drove from Nevada to Phoenix to meet me and the kids, and um share some I don't know, family drama, I don't know, with me. And it was it was really cool though. I did get to see a lot, like he brought pictures with him, and that was so was it weird?
SPEAKER_00I mean, was it like you were sitting there with a stranger or did you feel some kind of connection with this person?
SPEAKER_01So I would I would say no, I don't, I don't feel a real strong connection to him. Um, like I do and I don't. I want to get to know him, like there's there is a want there, but I don't feel like I don't feel like he's related to me. Yeah. I don't know. Like it's really weird. Um, I think he feels a connection to me. Like I think he really um I think he I think he has a lot of feelings about yeah, you know, maybe like some regret and stuff. Yeah, and like not like just a loss that he can't get back. Yeah, like he he was never given the opportunity to be a father, like would his life have been different? Um, would my life have been different if he was given the opportunity to be my father? Like, and that's a lot of I don't know. Yeah, that I I don't never, I mean, yeah, right now how do you know that? Or or where do you even go from there with that information? Um, so yes, it was definitely weird. Um, he's also just he's kind of a weird dude. Yeah. Um, I mean, if you can imagine what I would think any man um ends up being like if they aren't married and have no children and live like a very transient lifestyle. Um, whatever you're thinking, that's my dad. Like that is him. And so like he's just he's kind of like a hippie, a little bit like rough around the edges, not super appropriate. Like, definitely, like, I can't imagine him having a daughter now. Yeah. Like, I'd be like, no, it's not for you. Um, I don't know if it would have been different when he was younger, but like he, you can tell that the man has never raised a child. Yeah. Like it's very obvious. Um, he's nice, he's very kind, um, gave me a lot of insight on like health stuff. Um because like I grew up thinking, yeah. I grew up thinking that I was gonna be like diabetic by the time I was 35, and come to find out that like no, because all of that he raised you as a father was not your biological father, but you thought he was.
SPEAKER_00So any health things going on in that family. Wow.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So um I did find out some things though that are kind of a bummer. Um, so I have poor eyesight, like it's not terrible um yet, but I have like one eye specifically that's like really bad, and apparently there are some genetics behind that. Um, so the likelihood of me going blind by the time I'm probably like 70, 75, terrible thought, really high, um, more more than likely, like it's gonna happen. Is does he have that as well? Yeah. So there's apparently a lot of mental, um, or at least according to him. And so that's the other piece, too. Yeah. Is so while I'm getting to know this man and um trying to like hear these and learn these truths about my biological family, I'm also reaching out to other people on that side of the family. Um, because obviously I'm not just gonna welcome somebody into my life. Like I have kids, I have responsibilities, I like I'm not gonna put my life at risk in that way. And so um, I'm also, you know, kind of talking to other family members, and that was very interesting because for the most part, that entire family wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Oh, really? Only because I am his daughter. That's the reason they wanted to do it.
SPEAKER_00Is there nothing to do with you?
SPEAKER_01Yes, even though it's just biological, and I've really never even Do they think you're like after something? Like I don't know. Um, so that's where it gets a little bit like cloudy, is I'm not sure. So he's definitely ostracized from the family. He has not made any sorts of secret about that, but he was a little wishy-washy on the reasons why. And like the family members that I've talked to are also a little bit wishy-washy on the reasons why. So I don't know. My guess is it has to do with money, but I don't know, I don't know all the details. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um well maybe they thought you were gonna be a drag on whatever sort of dynamic he had created. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, so I don't know if it was like he conned people out of money or borrowed money, didn't pay it back.
SPEAKER_00I mean, they may not, maybe they didn't even believe you. I mean, did they maybe were they in the database too? Could you tell? Or yeah.
SPEAKER_01So a few of them were in the database, so I could tell like for sure. So there was only one one of my cousins did make contact with me. And um, she did give me some information and kind of gave me some reasoning behind why some of the family members weren't responding to me. Um, because it was kind of weird to me. I was like, how come none of you like will respond? And she's a second cousin, she's not even a first cousin. All of my first cousins, nothing. Wow. So, like all of his siblings' direct children want nothing to do with me. Wow. And most of them haven't even responded to my messages. I think I had one that responded and was like, Yeah, I'm not interested. Like it was very abrupt and it was fine, totally fine. Yeah. Um, but yeah, definitely surprising.
SPEAKER_00Well, they don't know what they're missing. That's for sure.
unknownThank you.
SPEAKER_01At the very least, a very entertaining member of the family.
SPEAKER_00Yes, I would say. Was your grandfather also?
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. So um when I met Barry, I found out that his dad was also adopted. And I guess like several uh generations up on his side were also adopted. The story that Barry told me for that one, and I don't know how much truth there is to it, so like, you know, don't like hold me to this, but he he said or thinks that there was so the story from the family was that there was um like a Native American woman that had had children with somebody on that side of the family, and it was like a kind of watering down of a bloodline until they were a little bit more white, which is disgusting. Yeah. Um, but common during that time frame. Um, according to my DNA results, there is no Native American in my blood whatsoever. So I'm not sure that that's a real story. Yeah. Um, but I do have some African American in me, very little. And so I'm like, it could be that it wasn't Native American, maybe it was African American, yeah. Um, which would, again, in Oklahoma at that time frame, would have absolutely been frowned upon. Um, so I don't I don't know, but that was the story he had told me. That's so interesting. It is. There's a prison also, I forgot about that, that is uh, I guess like named after our family. Really? I don't know if it's still, I don't think it's I I don't think I'm not sure if it's still active, is what I'm getting at. But it was so our family had a bunch of land in Missouri? Yeah. Mississippi. I don't know, somewhere. Michigan. Maybe I don't think it was Michigan. I don't know it wasn't, it was definitely like Southern. Okay. Um, and they ended up like I I don't know if it was um it was obviously a farm of some kind or a plantation or something. And they left um and they donated the land back to the this the state, and the state turned it into um like a federal prison or state prison. So it's I think the parchment prison. Oh, interesting. I'll have to go go on a little if it's a bad prison. I don't know these people.
unknownYeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_00Like actually what it was called.
SPEAKER_01Like it might not be Parchment, it might be something else. I don't know.
SPEAKER_00That was just a movie I was remembering. So I guess there's something else significant too with your bio dad's birthday, and um just there's just like a weird connection with the birthday too.
SPEAKER_01And yeah, so him and Arlen share a birthday.
SPEAKER_00That's crazy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So that was probably one of the first things that I had like, you know, found out with like, oh my gosh, he's got Did you know that before you met with him? Yes, yes. So when um when I got the email that, like, you know, congratulations, this is your dad. Uh-huh. Um, it gives you like a little bit of info. Okay. So it like tells you like where he's at, and um I can't remember everything it gave me, but his birthday was definitely on there. Yeah. And um, I think surnames or like maiden names and things of that nature were are on there too.
SPEAKER_00And like he authorized the release of that information because he had also been in the database, right? Yes. Like that wasn't just that does that doesn't get released unless somebody wants it to be released, is that right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you um, I'm trying to remember, probably like when I set the account up, it it gives me like the option of what to or what I allow um somebody to to see on my account. Um, but I I I don't remember, I don't think it was much. I want to say it was probably like the names, like the different family names, because a lot of people do research based off of names. Yeah. Um, that's like an easy one. And so um I I have been able to build out my tree. I think I've got like 500 members on my family tree that I've been able to build out, so that was kind of cool. Um, and a lot of it is based off of like names, and so you're finding, you know, people like, okay, there's this person was this name, and they had seven siblings, and they're these were their names, and then I can find out more from there. Um, obituaries is like honestly where I have found the most data because it lists like literally everybody and their relationship to that person, which is kind of sad if you can think about it. Um, but yes, so June 23rd is his birthday.
SPEAKER_00Um so he met Arlen then. He did. What year was that? Was it 2023? 2023. Wow. So one of the last like relatives that Arlen actually met.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Wow. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That was um, and that was hard. So, you know, kind of fast forward, like I'm trying to deal with like the I guess frustration and that feeling of like my mom lied to me. And that was really hard. And I was so mad. Like, I I don't, I can't remember a time in my life where I was so angry with her. Yeah. Um, and I'm very close to my mom. So that was, I think, really hard on me. I think it was really hard on her because, like, how do you even get past that? And that's I don't think she expected that. Yeah. When she kept this secret from me all my life. Um, and I don't think my adopted dad or you know, the man that raised me, um, I I don't think like he he treated it like it didn't matter, like it wasn't a big deal. But what they didn't understand is like it became like an identity crisis for me. Yeah. I did not feel, I no longer felt like I belonged where I was. But I also don't belong with my new family either, because I don't have the history and the shared experiences. And they don't want you there. And they don't want to be, yeah. And which probably made it even worse. Right. Because now I'm like, I really don't belong. Yeah. And what do you do with that? And like how do you handle those feelings and emotions and like, you know, come to an acceptance with it? That was tough. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um and just like so, so late in the game, too. Yeah. I mean, again, you were what, 36?
SPEAKER_01It's like 36 years old. That's so late in the game. Yeah. So then, not even six months later, is when the house was hit by the tornado and Arlen passed away and we lost everything. Yeah. Um, and that was just like I don't want to say icing on the cake, but like it was like that year was just horrendous. Yeah. In every way, shape, and form. Um, I just don't I like when Arlen passed away, all of that stopped. Like I stopped even wanting to deal with it, wanting to get to know him, wanting to because I just didn't have the energy. Were you maintaining contact in those leading up to Yeah, we were talking probably, I wouldn't say once a week, but probably like every other week. By phone or what? By phone. Okay. Um, he writes me letters. Um I have a lot. A lot of letters. Some of them are weird. Um, some of them are all over the place. But yeah, I have lots of, he does write to me. So that's um interesting.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, he I mean maybe that's how he processes it. Because at the you were 36, but like he was, you know, much older in coming to that realization and and also realizing that he he wasn't who he thought he was either, and like he wasn't sterile, and I'm sure there were all these questions swirling around about what if what is real anymore.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'm sure. And and and it's gotta be hard for him too because he's he is alone. Um, you know, I he doesn't have a spouse, he doesn't have really anybody in the family that um, you know, really has anything to do with him. Um he has a sibling who I think he talks to every now and then, but like they're not close. Um, and now he has me. And so I I do feel like um, because he he really tried in the early days uh like after the tornado, he really tried to be there for me. And I think I I want to I can't remember if I said it to him or if I was like talking to Kyle, but I was just like, this man knows nothing about my son. And like at that moment, I couldn't like the idea of even talking to somebody that didn't understand what I was going to going through, at least at the like such a minute level of like knowledge of Arlen. It was like everybody else, I was like, you can all fuck off.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like I just cannot even do that. But it would have even been hard in that moment to talk to someone who did know a lot about Arlen. Like I just imagine that I mean everything was kind of shutting down in your brain at that point.
SPEAKER_01Yes, I think that I did cling to people who knew him though a little bit more.
SPEAKER_00So talk a little bit about the letters. Like, how often are you getting letters? And um, are you still talking on the phone or did that stop after the tornado?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so it did stop after the tornado. Um he I think that he meant best intentions. I really do. I like I I try to think that people have the best intentions, but for me, it overstepped the boundary um more than I was comfortable with. So after the tornado, um that same night, so I had talked to him. Um I don't think it was that day that I had talked to him, but I had talked to him like within a few days before the tornado. And um he heard about it on the news, you know, where he's at, and he he knew that it hit our town. I don't think that he knew that it hit our house or anything like that. Um, and I guess he was trying to get a hold of me. Now, I don't know if you remember, but like all the power line, like every like people couldn't get through. No. And so it wasn't like I wasn't answering, although honestly, I'm like, I don't even remember, I don't even remember having my phone on. Yeah. Like I really truly that that that first day is such a blur that I I don't actually know. So he had tried calling me a whole bunch and I didn't answer. And so he ended up um reaching out to the sheriff's office or yeah, the police officers or something to do a welfare check on me. Oh wow. And so obviously they knew who I was and what had happened, and um obviously probably didn't feel like it was their place to tell him, you know, over the phone. And he kept calling and calling and calling till finally they showed up at the hotel and they were like, hey, like he won't stop calling. Like please reach out to him. Like he's he's worried. Um, and like we don't know what to tell him. Um, and so I think I sent him a text. I don't think I called him. I'm pretty sure I sent him a text. And then um about a week later, we had the VA reach out to us at the like the crisis center because he was concerned. He had called in to the VA on our behalf for some sort of assistance. And I I think it all came from a good place. I really do. Um, but it it felt it was very uncomfortable. Yeah, because it was very invasive. Um, and not only that, but it is so one of the recurring themes of his letters is that he thinks that I have a hard time getting close to him. Be like everything is about him and how like he has problems or he's you know depressed, or you know, and like he, if I don't talk to him, it's because of something he did. And I'm just like, no, I'm a 36-year-old mom with three kids. Like, I don't even get to talk to people that I live with every day. So, like, no, I'm sorry, I can't talk to you every single day when you live, you know, so far away. And so that was like something that was recurring between the two of us even prior. And then it was almost like he double downed on it, like after the, and that was when like I wasn't talking to anyone unless I had to. And I remember several times, like right after the tornado, where people had come over to check on me and like it was too much, and like Kyle had to kick everybody out because he was like, No, everybody needs to leave. Like, she it's just too much for me today. Yeah, and um and then he's got like the police and the VA and all these people like showing up for me for assistance, and again, I do think it came from a good place, but like that was the last thing I needed. Yeah. And so since then I have not been able to connect with him. Like, I just it's annoyed me and felt invasive, and it was just too much to the point where I'm like, I just can't even have this conversation about like what you did.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, there are days where that makes me feel sad. Yeah, and that I feel like I should reach out and I um I feel bad, and and he's older, and like what if he what if he dies? You know, he could be dead right now. I honestly don't know. Yeah, and that makes me sad. Yeah, um, but it's just not my priority. Yeah, it's just not, and I don't know how to make it my priority when I have as much life going on as I do. Are you still getting letters now? It's few and far between now. So for the for a long time I was getting them. Um, I think he was doing I want to say it was bi-weekly. I think I was getting bi-weekly letters for a long time. And then um, and then it probably was about once a month. And then I think I've only gotten maybe, maybe two or three this year. So have you ever written back in letter form? No. No. Which makes me feel bad. I feel bad, but I just I don't know what to say.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I really don't.
SPEAKER_00Was there a point when Kyle became involved? Like, did he ever say or recognize this was too much for you? Did you guys have a conversation about how that invasion was impacting him? Was that an issue or no?
SPEAKER_01No, not like not an issue that like we we didn't have to do anything or anything like that. Um, but I think I had talked to him because I was like, you know, I feel bad and I I'm not sure if I'm like making the right call. And and Kyle was like, no, you're making the right call. Like this is just not a time where you can because it's not like it was an established relationship, you know. So, like my mom, for an example, I was still in a weird place with my mom when everything happened in December. And so when she was trying to support me through that grief, that was hard. And it wasn't, it didn't always feel very natural and it didn't always feel like she was doing the things that I needed, which whether we were fighting or not beforehand, I don't know if she would have known. Yeah, but it did make it feel bigger, you know, like it made it feel like maybe we were a little bit more disconnected than we would have been. Um and but like my mom, like she continued to try. And even though like sometimes it was frustrating and sometimes, you know, like it was too much. And sometimes like Kyle did have to say, you know, step in and be like, people need to back off. Yeah. Um it wasn't like that was an established relationship. And so it wasn't like a surprise or weird, or she was just trying and she was doing her best. Um, and I don't like I don't have any bad feelings about that. But like for him, I was like, that's not an established relationship. You are essentially a stranger coming in and trying to be involved in one of the most heartbreaking and just emotionally raw experiences I'm ever going to have. And you don't even know me. Yeah. And that was it was I couldn't do it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because even outside that sort of devastating situation, it takes a lot of energy and emotion and effort to build a relationship with someone as a fully grown adult, knowing that this was your biological parent, like aside from everything else that was happening. Yeah. So I mean, you have to guard your energy. Yes, you know, in when you're rebuilding something like that. And I I mean, I just can't even imagine the amount of energy it takes under normal circumstances. Yes. Because it that even wasn't normal. No. It just it's that's crazy. Well, and then I going back to your cousin, um, I think it was the one that that did reach out to you and was willing to share some information with you. I guess she did something special this past June 23rd.
SPEAKER_01She did. Um, so she lit her house up purple for Arlen. And I thought that was just like the most beautiful thing because she didn't know him. She never had the opportunity to meet him. Like, obviously, we were Facebook friends and um, you know, she could see pictures of him and things of that nature. But again, like same thing as Barry. Like she only knew of me for six months before, you know, everything was ripped apart. Did you meet her in person? I've never met her in person. No, we've only, you know, talked through um, I think mostly just Facebook. Yeah, I don't, I'm not sure if I've even like messaged her um on my phone now that I think about it. But um, she's really sweet. She's really, really sweet.
SPEAKER_00So did she see the post about all the houses and the memorial that we were kind of doing?
SPEAKER_01And yeah, that's how she knew. Yeah. That's how she knew. And so she um she just sent me like a picture of her house and was just like, it's all purple for Arlen today. And that was really cute. Really special. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well, I think the the takeaway today is you really aren't responsible for fixing any sort of chaotic system that you that you you know step into or you discover it's not your responsibility. You didn't create that um that situation. And through the um 23andMe and through the work that you and your sister were doing with the the family tree and everything, you you had a physical map of where your biology started and and all the different routes and directions that your family was going. Um, but it it doesn't give anybody permission to have that front row seat to your household or your grief or your healing. And you get to make that decision about who you're gonna let in and who is is worth the friendship, the effort, the respect based on the, you know, the what's being reciprocated from them or different circumstances. And then you get to be in control of the safe space, you know, immediately around you. Do you have any final thoughts for people? I know we've gotten a lot of comments about people who've gone through similar situations with that late stage finding out and secrets being kept.
SPEAKER_01And yeah, I think um, so I would say two things. Um give yourself time.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like I if this is something that you are discovering, or even like maybe you're already in the midst of it, or think that this might be a possibility, like give yourself like the time and the energy to do it. Um, you don't have to find out, you don't have to know everything right now, um, and also just I guess also give people some grace because even though I I think my mom deserved for me to be mad. I do. I think she deserved my anger, um, and I'm okay with that. But at the same time, um, I think put a strain on our relationship that in some ways I wish wasn't there, like you know, when in December when I really needed my mom. Yeah. And now there's this big wedge between us because you just don't know what's gonna happen. Um, and I still to this day, I don't know. I don't know the whole story. I don't know why my mom didn't tell me. I don't know, I don't know at all. And so um, you know, here we are three years later, and I'm still trying to figure it out and piece it together. And at the end of the day, like I wasn't there. Yeah, but I don't know what happened. I don't know the impression that Barry gave my mom. I don't know what was going on with my adopted dad. I don't know why she made the choices that she did. Um, and it's some part of me has to just kind of trust that it was the right one.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And or at least she thought it was. Yeah. I mean, because that was her responsibility then too, is to give you a safe environment and you know, uh respect and care and support and all of that. And she and she probably did too, make the best decision she could make given the information she had. And yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It doesn't mean that I fully forgive her. I'm still a little tipped about it sometimes. Um, but I I I I wish that I had thought of it from that perspective in the beginning. Yeah. And I didn't.
SPEAKER_00But she's a mom and she probably knew that you'd come around too. Probably. Probably. Well, that's another episode of Becoming Brunham. Keep your boundaries strong, keep your perimeter tight. I will see you on Tuesday night. Bye.